I'm such an asshole

I'm kind of an asshole. I've been sitting here in Arkansas feeling like I don't have many friends locally. I've been here a year and I've shut myself out because I'm afraid of losing people again. I did the same thing in England the first year that we were there. The second year was so much better because I had friends to get me through things.

It's not for a lack of people trying here. It's because at the first sign of any drama at all, I shut down and run. The drama doesn't even have to involve me. If they are having a hard time in their lives, I shut down. I run.

I've been burnt. I've been hurt. But if I let the hurts and disappointments rule my decisions, then I'm never going to be happy. I'm letting those that have hurt me win. I don't want to do that.

I know that people are trying. I can finally see that I've just pushed and pushed to keep them from hurting me.

I've got friends here. If I just open my eyes, I'll realize that I actually have a pretty full life here. Sure, there are some people that I'm more comfortable with than others, but I will never be whole if I don't let go of past transgressions.

There are some pretty amazing people here that I'm missing out on because I'm too stubborn to let others in.

That changes now. I refuse to be a hermit anymore. I refuse to let those that have hurt me win.

This is my life. And damn it, I plan to live it as fully and completely as I can.