Living with depression

There are so many random thoughts going through my head right now. I need to get them out. I need to  at least attempt to make some sense of them. This post will probably be even more random than most of mine, which is saying a lot considering that I have ADHD. So if you choose to read it, just be forewarned that it may not make much sense to you. Hell, none of it makes a lot of sense to me. But I have to put it somewhere. I have to get it all out of my head and somewhere else.

I've always been a bit of a basket case. Most of the time I'm ok with it. But times like now, I'm not. I hate myself for the thoughts and feelings that are running through my head. But I can't stop them and that makes me hate myself even more.

I've been suffering from depression since my husband was stationed in England. I think it's the combination of the weather (horrible, always raining, very limited sunshine), the way his squadron treats people, the way people act here, etc. Last June, I had a complete breakdown and finally went to see a psychologist. He said that we needed to get a reassignment to go back stateside because my depression would only worsen the longer we stayed. But when I went to file the paperwork, the woman told me that since we had only been here for 6 months, we would never be approved. You had to be here for at least a year before they would even consider it. She said it was a difficult process and that applying and then being denied would probably only heighten my depression. So we didn't file.

Instead, I tried to get myself involved with things outside of the house. I started volunteering with the squadron as much as possible. I gave as much of myself as I could to make sure that others had the support and help that they needed. I was good at it. But I was also extremely frustrated because everything in the military is run by politics. Even just being there for someone has red tape all over the place. I just wanted to help people. That was it.

I cooked meals for families when something was going on in their lives. I stayed up all hours of the night talking to wives whose husbands had cheated on them, talking to husbands who were frustrated with their wives, encouraging new moms when they felt like they couldn't do it. I provided stockings to every one of our single airmen in the dorms, with very very limited help from the squadron. In fact, all they did was provide me with a list of names and then delivered the stockings and gifts because they told me that I wasn't allowed to.

And then it all blew up in my face. I had given and given and given of myself to these people and suddenly, every move that I made with them was the wrong one. I was even told by someone that I had too much heart to be a military spouse. I cared too much about people. WTF! How is that even possible? So now helping people and caring is a trait to be looked down upon? How confusing. But it started kicking up the depression again. Suddenly, I felt like every move I made was the wrong one and I would never be able to please anyone.

While I was dealing with that, my son was assaulted. Brutally. This wasn't just some school yard fight. The kid who assaulted mine was older, bigger, and a hell of a lot more of a bad ass than my child was. He has said since that he had every intention of hospitalizing my son.

Right after my son was assaulted, my husband was deployed. We're talking a matter of days. So I was left to deal with the aftermath of the assault on my own.

Now, let's get into the next 3 weeks of my life. Remember, this was only 3 weeks that the next series of events happened. My son was assaulted Thursday. My husband deployed Monday. On Wednesday I got a call saying he was forward deploying and he didn't know when he would be able to call again. I had no idea where he was. And while he said he was safe, I was hearing rumors over here that gave me cause to believe that he wasn't. Then we were dealing with the aftermath of the assault, police, school disciplinary hearings, etc. During this time, it was the anniversary of my daughters death. For the first time in 9 years, I had to handle it alone. And then I cracked my tooth and have to have an emergency root canal. As I'm laying in the dentist chair, I get a text from my son saying that he had walked out of the assistant principals office. Two days later, I had to get iron transfusions and then two days after that, I had to get a blood transfusion. And then 3 days after that, I got pneumonia. And then, the icing on the cake. My son informed me that he was suicidal. I rushed him to the emergency room and spent the entire night listening in horror to the abuse and bullying he was dealing with at school since the assault.

Yep, that last paragraph was 3 WEEKS. That's it. Just 3 weeks of my life.

So here's where I really started losing it.

The morning after I get home from the hospital with my son, I receive a phone call at 6:30am from a neighbor. Now, her and I weren't extremely close. I had posted about what had happened the night before, because I fully believe in reaching out when you need help. And right then, with my husband out of the country, I needed as much support as I could get. So anyways, this woman calls me, acknowledges that she saw the post about my son and then goes into her newly confirmed pregnancy. Seriously??? I've been at the hospital all night fighting for my son's life and you think I give a shit about you being pregnant? I chose to just shut up and not acknowledge it. Because I knew I had nothing nice to say to her about it.

Let me give you a tiny bit of back story here though. Several of us in the neighborhood started meeting for coffee once a week over the summer. This woman bitched and complained about her kids every single time. She said that she hated them, she wished she had never had them, they were too much for her, etc. So when she told me that she was pregnant again, I did not have very nice thoughts.

So I tried over the next few days to ignore her. But she kept bringing up the damned pregnancy. Finally, she actually asked me why I hadn't congratulated her. I told her to drop it, to let it go, but she kept pushing it. So I finally snapped and told her that I hadn't congratulated her because she was a dumb ass and didn't need to be having any more kids. Well, being the strong Christian that she is, she retaliated stating "Well, God blessed me with another child so he must think I'm a good mother. But he definitely questioned YOUR parenting, since he didn't even trust you with your daughter."

Needless to say, I was already questioning my parenting. I mean, my 14 year old son wanted to kill himself. So obviously, I was failing somewhere. So her words hit me deep. I was angry, hurt, and a small part of me felt that there was some truth to her statement.

I spiraled into an even further depression. I sought help. I reached out to people who I thought were friends. I started seeing my psychologist again. I even agreed to go on anti-depressants. Little did I know that 2 out of those 3 choices would backfire on me and make my depression even worse.

Two of my so called friends decided to tell me exactly how they felt about me. And trust me, it wasn't pretty. It basically came down to me being a low life piece of shit that nobody could stand. I was worthless, overbearing, cynical, cruel, heartless, etc. You name it and that was pretty much how they described me.

So reaching out to people ended up being a really bad idea. Reaching out was difficult, but having people shove all of my faults in my face made me feel even worse. No one cared that I was depressed, no one cared about what I was going through. They only saw all of the negative about me and chose to dwell on it. I felt slapped in the face.

And then the meds made me feel suicidal. Through ALL of this, I didn't want to kill myself. I knew it was a moment in time and that I would eventually get through it. But 3 weeks after being on the medication, I was driving home in my car one day and as a truck was driving in my direction in the opposite lane, all I could think was "2 feet, 2 feet in the other direction and it would all end. It would be over. Just 2 feet." That scared the shit out of me and I immediately called my doctor and got off of the meds. I refused to go on anything else other than ADHD medication because I couldn't risk having those thoughts. Not when I am fighting so hard to keep my child alive.

So now, I'm angry. I'm hurt, I'm angry, and I can't seem to feel anything else.

I am either crying, or yelling, or a combination of both. I am a complete control freak and my life is completely out of my control right now.

I'm trying to file the paperwork to get us a reassignment. There are NO resources available here for my son. The only child psychologist here is leaving this month. My son has zero outside resources now and it scares the hell out of me. I'm trying my hardest, but because of my own depression, I definitely don't always help the situation. So I'm trying to get all of the paperwork done as quickly as possible because it's still going to be 6-8 weeks before we get an approval, and then another month to out process. I have had to wait on so many people to fill out the documents that I needed from them. No one seems to understand that it can quite literally be a matter of life and death for my child. If he kills himself because he's without resources and I'm waiting on a damn document, I will never ever forgive myself. I feel like I am failing him. I didn't protect him from the assault. I didn't prevent the kids at school from telling him to kill himself. I didn't keep him safe. And now, at a critical time in his life, I can't even get a damned packet of paperwork filed on his behalf. I have no control of my child's future right now and as a mother, that is the worst feeling ever.

I'm pissed off at "friends" that haven't been there. For turning their back on me at the slightest change in my behavior. For not even considering that maybe, just maybe, I was going through hell and needed some support.

I'm even more pissed now though. Because these friends knew that I was battling depression. They knew that I was having a hard time. Yet now, they want to be in my life because someone else pointed out just how difficult things have been for me. NOW they feel bad for saying/doing what they did. Because they didn't realize how much I was going through?

Well, to those "friends", all I can say is FUCK YOU. You did know a lot of what I was going through, and you've known since the start of our friendship that I have been battling severe depression since we moved here. You didn't care. The only reason you're even making an attempt right now is because you feel like shit. I don't need pity friends. I need people in my life who are going to be there through the good, the bad, and the really fucked up. You walked away. So please, do us both a favor and stay the fuck away.

I'm so mad. I'm yelling and screaming about everything. To the point that I've pretty much stopped talking. Because I even yelled at my kids over Christmas. Over FUCKING CHRISTMAS. Who the hell does that? I quite literally feel like the worlds worst mother right now. I've apologized to them like crazy, but it doesn't take away what was said. Just like all the hurtful and hateful things that others have said to me lately won't go away. It just sits there, in the front of my mind. A constant reminder of just how shitty I really am. So I feel terrible for my kids. I hate myself for yelling at them. I've talked to my therapist, their therapist, etc. I'm trying to fix some of the damage that I've caused but I will never ever be able to completely repair it. I failed my kids in that moment.

When I'm not yelling, I'm crying. I dwell on everything that has been said and done lately. I question all of my friendships over here, because if these two can have such an underlying hate for me, then does everyone else? I don't know who to trust, so I trust no one. Which makes me feel even shittier, because I know that there are a couple of people who have done nothing to deserve the mistrust. But I can't. I can't trust anyone right now, because never in a million years would I have thought that either of these women hated me as much as it has come out that they did.

So yes, I'm a hot mess right now. I'm an emotional wreck. Crying, angry, hurt, confused. I feel rejected. I feel like I'm sucking the life out of everyone around me. So I'm trying my hardest to just not have people around. To isolate myself in my own little world. In a world where no one is hurting me and I am not hurting them. I live each day just trying to get through until my next psych appointment.

I know that things will eventually get better. I do know that I have some incredible friends, and I am aware enough to realize who has been there for me and who has not. Even at my lowest, I know that there are some people that care. But that doesn't help in those moments that I feel like I can't handle one more rejection. I don't want to be a burden on yet another person.

I just want to smile again. I want my kids to laugh, to smile, to want to live. I want us all to be ok. So yes, I'm getting us all the help that we need. But what we need the most, is to get out of this life sucking hell hole. It's really hard to battle depression when depression has so many weapons and all you have is a strong will and stubborn pride. But that will get me through. Because even though my mind still wanders on occasion to what it would be like for everyone if I was gone, two things keep me going. One, my son needs me. I am his only advocate right now and he needs me. And two, I'm too fucking stubborn to give anyone here the satisfaction of knowing that I'm gone.

We're realistically looking at about 3-4 more months here. I can handle it for that long. This is just a blip in our lives. We will get through it. It's hard as hell, and at times, I feel like I'm wading in quicksand, but I know deep down that we'll get through it.

There have been many more moments lately that have affected me, but when you're severely depressed, pretty much everything sends you spiraling down into that dark sinkhole of self depreciation. I can't let those moments consume me. Well, to be honest, they do. But I won't give up. Not happening. I know that I have more reasons to live than I do to die. So I'll make it through. Even if I do it by isolating myself from just about everyone IRL for now. It's a way to protect myself. And to protect them. Cause I"m pretty fucking brutal when the anger hits and I never know when it's going to hit. I can't control it. I've tried. Trust me, I've tried. So yeah.. In order to not fuck up anyone else's day, I'm going to hide out in my own little world and just hang out with the friends that live in my computer.

So I guess that's about it for now. I know this was long and if you managed to actually stay with me the entire time, then thank you for "listening" to my rambles. I just needed to get it all out somewhere. Gawds knows everyone is sick of hearing my "woe is me" stories.

**** Just to be clear, I know that some of the people in my life that have hurt me lately didn't set out to.  But considering my state of mind right now, it DOES hurt though. So No, they may not be asshats to anyone else, but I personally can't stand them. I'm hurting, whether they meant for me to or not.

It's too much for one person/family

I'm exhausted. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally.

I know that I'll get through everything that is going on, but to help me heal, I need to write.

This base really gets to me. Not only is the weather depressing, but so are the people. I'm not used to being treated so horribly. I've never dealt with so many back stabbing, conniving, manipulative people.

And in all honesty, I've never felt so alone.

In less than two years time, my family has gone from a happy healthy one, to one ridden with depression. My kids are absolutely miserable, as am I. The only thing we really have to hold on to is each other. That's a huge burden for everyone to bear.

We're so used to being happy, independent, self sufficient people. All of us. We've all always had our own hobbies, our own friendships, etc. My husband and I have never been that couple that absolutely must do everything together. We've maintained our individuality. For us, that's kept us strong. We come together and share our lives, without immersing ourselves so far into each other that you can't tell where one begins and the other ends. We've never wanted to be the couple that got divorced after the kids were out of the house because we suddenly realized that we had put nothing into our own relationship. So we maintained our lives where we needed to, and merged the parts that we should. It's always worked so well.

And yet now, I find myself feeling like I have to lean on him more and more. For emotional and mental support. I have very little interest in life outside of my family anymore. It's not that I don't want to. It's that I don't know how to deal with so many outright cruel people.

People here go out of their way to hurt you. They do everything they can to make you as miserable as possible. I'm not the only one experiencing it either. Typically happy, laid back women are turning into a nervous wreck over here. We all walk on eggshells because you never know when something you say will be misquoted and then used against you. You never know when one seemingly innocent comment will end your friendships.

I don't know how to live like this. Never knowing who is truly your friend, not knowing who to trust, if anyone. It's scary. It's hurtful. It's depressing.

I want to go back to that woman that I once was. I'm so tired. Tired of being scared, tired of being lonely, tired of putting so much on my husband because I just can't face anyone or anything any more. He deserves so much better. He deserves the woman that he married. I'm trying so hard to be that woman, but I don't know how to here.

I've tried to just walk away from all of the toxicity. It's not that easy. When you're isolated and alone, and most of your friends live in your computer, things go wrong. It gets lonely. Really really lonely.

I need out of here. I need to find myself again. I need my light back.

I'm exhausted. Even the light at the end of the tunnel feels like it's been extinguished.

Airmen stockings 2012

So it's that time of year again when I'm sitting here begging for money. For those that know already, I've kicked off the airmen stockings program again.

Last year, I was able to raise the funds through my online community to provide Christmas to 50 airmen stationed overseas and living in the dorms for the holidays. Most of these airmen would not otherwise have Christmas. We raised $7,000 in 3 weeks. This enabled me to provide stockings, gifts, etc to our airmen.

We found out after Christmas that we saved two airmen's lives last year. Both of them were suicidal. Both felt that no one really cared about them. Both of them said that they were forced to rethink that once they received the gifts. They said that having a stranger show so much kindness gave them a renewed hope for their lives.

I've been asked by the airmen, by our command, and by the Android community to do the stockings program again this year. So far, I've been able to purchase the stockings and the gifts. I'm still currently short of funds though. I still need to raise the money to provide stocking stuffers. I had originally thought that I only needed another $1,000. However, because of Hurricane Sandy, it looks like I will need to nearly double that. I can't order online to ensure that the stocking stuffers will be here on time. So I have to buy locally. Unfortunately, the exchange rate is about $1.68 to their pound.

So I'm desperately asking for help again. I need about $2,000 more to pull this off as well as we did last year. That covers the stocking stuffers, gift bags and tissue paper. It also allows me to buy cards for the airmen. Last year, each airmen received about 5-6 personalized Christmas cards and I would really like to be able to do that again.

So if you can help, please do. These airmen are in a foreign country, away from their family and friends for the holidays. Ask yourself, if it were your child, wouldn't you want someone to show that they cared?

Every dollar helps. Every time someone shares this post, it helps. So please, even if all you can donate is a couple of bucks, please do so. It all adds up to enable me to provide Christmas for these airmen. I've put in nearly $2,000 of my own money. I just don't have any more to give and I'm still short. So please please help me out again this year.

You can donate at bit.ly/airmenstockings

Thank you all so much for helping me make this happen. For caring about these airmen, and for supporting your military.

Overwhelmed

Things in the past month have been absolutely insane for my family. I need to vent. I need to get it all out before I go absolutely insane. So please bear with me. If you're going to be a dick and troll, please know that right now, it could very well tip me over the edge. So please think twice before you act like a complete moron. Today is not the day.

I struggled with the decision to send my children back to public school. Since we have moved here, it's been a complete nightmare. Last year, the administration bullied my oldest son to the point that the assistant principal was relocated to another country. I pulled them out to homeschool for the year and they seemed to have done better.

But this is high school. That should be different, right? He should be ok there. That's when we all go into our own groups, we find ourselves, we make friendships that can last a lifetime. Or so I thought.

The first week of school, my son was with a group of kids as they were all returning from lunch. He only knew one of the kids in that group. The group started talking about how they were not only doing drugs, but selling drugs at school. My son said that he had to leave. (He wanted no part of it). The kids started threatening him. His so called friend was the worst. He threatened to decapitate him, then went on to describe how he would dispose of his remains. (The kid is an idiot and totally would have been caught). Anyways, my son reported the threats. In reporting the threats though, he had to report WHY he was being threatened. He did the absolute right thing, and I am proud of him for that.

However, his "friend" was in the worst trouble for the intensity of his threats and was supposed to be suspended for 3 days. Instead, he cut a deal with the principal and turned on about 20 other students who are also using and or dealing  drugs at the school.

The second week of school, on a Thursday, my son was assaulted by one of the kids that his "friend" had rolled on. Brutally assaulted. I've seen the video and it was horrible. The kid hit him in the face with a shoe. My son wears braces, so left his mouth a bit tore up. He then proceeded to push my son to the ground and kick him as hard as he could, over and over and over again.

We ended up in the emergency room, the police were called, the kid was charged with "Actual Bodily Harm" which is the equivalent of assault and battery in the States.

My son went back to school the very next day, against my better judgement. I understand why he did it. He wanted to show that he was ok. He wanted to face everyone. He didn't want to be a pussy.

His father deployed the following Monday.

Since then, my son has been violently terrorized. Kids have come up to him throwing bottles of pills in his face, telling him to go kill himself. They are taunting him, saying that his favorite food is shoe leather, telling him that they are going to beat his ass, stomp his spine and paralyze him. They've offered to get him a gun so that he can shoot himself, they have given him instructions on how to properly slit his wrists.

He then ran into his attacker and ended up having everything surface again. Luckily, nothing happened that day physically. But what it did to my son emotionally is something we will have to deal with in the long, slow process that it will take to get him better.

My son reported the incidents to the school. They told him to toughen up and to learn social skills and he wouldn't have the issues that he does. They blamed him for what the other kids were doing.

In the midst of all of this, I wound up getting pneumonia, needing iv antibiotics, needing a blood transfusion because my iron was so low, and worrying sick because my husband had been forward moved to another location. (The entire house was in turmoil due to all of this)

So last week, my son finally broke down and told me that he would "rather be skinned alive, dipped in salt, roasted on a pit and eaten by cannibals than to face another day in this world.

We ended up in the emergency room for a psych eval. The psychiatrist and I listened as my son told us of the horrors he had been through. The thoughts that were running through his head. I called my husbands command before heading to the ER and his supervisor also heard these things.

They had my husband back in country within 12 hours. We were told that under no circumstances was my child to go back to that school. They said that sending him there could cause him to hang himself in the locker room, just to give the kids the satisfaction of knowing that they had won.

So now, we're in limbo. My son needs psychiatric help. He needs to know that he's not alone in this. But I can't get him in for an appointment until the 29th. What the hell am I supposed to do in the meantime?

I pulled him out of school and the principal sat there telling me that by doing so, I was allowing my son to run away from his problems. He said that he needed to face them. We won't go into the details of how I handled that one, but needless to say, the principal is no longer vocalizing THAT stupid ass opinion.

In the midst of all of this, I'm dealing with my own depression. I feel like I have failed my child. I never should have put him into that fucked up school. I should have seen the signs sooner. I should have noticed something, done something, fought harder, loved him more. He wouldn't be in that position, he wouldn't feel the way that he does if I was a better mother to him.

I've been fighting with the stupid fucked up shit that people say in this situation. I've been told that I am a horrible mother for letting him get to that point. I've been told that God doesn't trust me with kids which is why he took my daughter from me. I've been told to move back to the States, take my kids away from their father, because THAT is what is supposedly best for my children.

I'm so tired. I'm depressed, anxious, overwhelmed. But I have to be strong. I have to be strong so that my child BELIEVES that life will get better.

I'm not suicidal, but fucking A. I just want to sleep until all of this is over. I don't want to face it. I don't want to deal with another stupid fucking person giving advice to me and my child. I want everything and everyone to go away, and yet I need support right now. It's conflicting, I know. Trust me, my own inner turmoil is confusing me enough.

So I'll be strong. Because strong is the only choice that I have right now. But I don't want to be. I want to hide out from the world. I want to lay in bed all day and cry. I don't want to shower, I don't want to get dressed, I don't want to cook or clean or read a book. I really don't even want to be sharing this with all of you. But this is the place that I go to vent my emotions, so that is what I'm doing.

I'm reaching out. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but I know logically that I can't do this alone. I just can't.

I can't think of how to end this. For my family, it's just the beginning of a long and treacherous road that we are traveling on. I feel like we're heading for a cliff at a 100 miles an hour. I just hope the brakes work.

The Truth about Military Wives

I'm so sick of us getting a bad rap. We're not all sluts, whores, money grubbing cunts. In fact, the majority of us are pretty decent. So let me clue you in on how things REALLY are.

I fell in love with my husband while he was active duty. I gave up my job, my home, everything, to move 1,400 miles away from the only life I knew. I gave up my roomy mini van (that I happened to love) for a more economical car because as a Senior Airman, we couldn't afford the gas for my van. I gave up all of my belongings and moved me and my 2 children clear across the country with nothing more than what fit into the trunk of my car.  I sold my furniture, my clothes, my kids toys so that we could be with him.

We lived in base housing for the first two years of our marriage. Anyone who has ever seen base housing knows that it's about the same quality as section 8 government housing. Because guess what? It IS government housing. I did my best to make that house a home.

My husband was given orders last year and we moved to England. 4,800 miles and an ocean away from all of our family and friends. It's miserable here. It rains constantly. My kids were bullied in the DODD school that they attended to the point that I had to pull them out and home school them this year. I have NEVER had issues like this with a school before.

There is a minimum of a six hour time difference between us and our family and friends. Which means that I can't just pick up the phone and call my best friend when I need to talk to her. I have to plan every phone call, often staying up late into the night just to hear a familiar voice.

My husband leaves to go to these incredible places that I can't go with him to. I stay home and take care of our two children. I haven't been any further than London since we moved here, and it's likely that I won't be able to go much further than that while we are here.

I can't work because his job takes him away, at times with little to no notice. If I work, then my kids are raised in a day care facility. I'd also have to work a minimum of 2 jobs just to afford the child care. THAT is the norm over here for families who have both parents working.

I am left for weeks at a time to deal with everything. If the furnace goes out, I handle it. If the dog needs emergency surgery, I handle it. If I need surgery and my husband can't take time off for it, I handle it.

Because that's what we do. We give up everything that we know and we move to new states, new countries, etc. We go through culture shock. We adjust to new environments, new cuisines, etc. We make an empty military house feel like a home in 48 hours because we know that our children need their belongings in order to feel a bit more settled.

I mow the lawn, pull the weeds, plant gardens that I may never get to see bloom. I pack his lunches, cook his meals, feed the airmen whenever they need a home cooked meal and a bit of family. I provide low cost child care to his squadron because I think it's ridiculous for people to have to work 2 jobs just to pay for daycare.

I never throw away curtains anymore, because who knows what size I'll need in the NEXT house. I keep more luggage in my closet than any of my civilian friends because I KNOW I will need it soon. I live in houses with icky white walls and I don't paint because I know I won't be here for long. I have no keepsakes from when my children were little because we just don't have the space for it.

When he leaves, I stay up until the wee hours of the night until he can call, because even after 4 years, I can't fall asleep without hearing his voice. Without knowing he's safe. I sleep with my cell phone, house phone and computer. I also take them all to the bathroom with me because I'm afraid that he will call during that 2 minutes that I'm in the bathroom and I'll miss my only chance to talk to him that day.

I live in constant fear that every kiss will be our last. I never know when that call will come. Will I even be home when he gets that emergency call telling him that he has to leave? I hope so. I spend the nights that he's gone crying into my dogs fur, hugging her close because THAT is my consolation when he's away. I get sick at the thought of another man touching me. They are not him. He is fighting for our country's freedom. He is putting his life on the line. The LEAST I can do is be sexually deprived for that same country's freedom. 


I have volunteered for his squadron,  putting in more hours than most people do at a full time job. My kids help me in every way that they can. We have raised money to ensure that the 50 single airmen living in the dorms last Christmas had stockings and gifts. I get phone calls from the other spouses at 11 pm wondering where their husbands are, I deal with suicidal airmen and their wives, I help get them financial counseling, etc. I bust my ass to make sure that the airmen and their wives are taken care of. I do this so that I know that anyone on that plane with my husband can have their head fully into the mission. So that they are not worried about what is going on at home. So that maybe, just maybe, I can help in some small way to keep my husband safe. 

Do I whine at times about how difficult this is? Yes. Do you ever bitch about your job? About your life? I'm sure you do. The only difference is that I am a military wife and according to all of you, I KNEW what I was getting myself into and I shouldn't complain.

Do I cheat? Hell no. Do I blow his meager earnings on shit we can't afford? Nope.

Do I get sick and tired of being judged simply because I am a stay at home military wife? Fuck yes. I do.

I am a military housewife. I am strong, I am capable. I am independent because he NEEDS me to be strong. He needs to know that I can take care of everything while he is away. And I can.

So now you know the truth about me. Maybe, just maybe, you'll think twice before you judge the next military wife you meet. We're not all bad. Please stop judging me based on that one wife you heard about on the internet. I am not her. I am a TRUE military wife.

Making a difference

Ok, ok, so I'm a little behind on getting this post out. Forgive me. I've had life happen all around me for the past few months and this is the first time I've had a chance to really sit down and give this the attention it deserves. 

As most of you already know, I only got involved in the Android community so that I could actually spend some time with my husband, Superuser developer, ChainsDD. Over the past year, I've gotten further and further involved with the community. Now, it's my go to place, my family, my support system. I know that no matter what is going on in my life, I can always turn to the community for support, or even an ass chewing if I need it. What I didn't expect though, was the  level of support that happened this past Christmas. 

It all started November 10, 2011. We had just gotten back from a visit to the States to see my husband's ailing grandfather. Being a key spouse for the squadron, I was in a meeting getting the run down of the holiday schedule. I was extremely upset over the lack of support for our single airmen living in the dorms. Everything happening for the holidays was catered to families. That bothered me. We have our families here with us. Those of us that are married are not alone over here. These airmen are, and I felt that more needed to be done for them. 

I decided to provide a stocking for each airman in the dorms. The other spouses were saying it couldn't be done. Too much red tape, no time to do any fundraising, etc etc etc. That pissed me off and of course, motivated me to prove them all wrong. So without thinking, I called the commander and told him that I needed a list of names of the airmen in the dorms because I was going to provide all of them a stocking for Christmas. 

And then it dawned on me what I had just committed myself too. YIKES! 

So I put out a plea in the Android community, begging for help. Originally, I was just asking for stocking stuffers. Or stockings. Hell, it was 6 weeks before Christmas and I had nothing but an idea and a lot of good intentions. 

The community stepped in and asked for a paypal link to make donations. 

Here's where I want to start crying....

Within a matter of days, we had enough in donations to provide the stockings. Decent stockings. But that wasn't good enough for you guys. You all found out that there would be at least 50 airmen with nothing for Christmas, and you stepped up to the plate and helped make Christmas amazing. 

The cards started flying in. I received more than 250 personalized cards for the airmen for Christmas. Not one of them had a generic "Merry Christmas" written on it. All of them had a message written out, thanking the airmen for what they do, for the sacrifices they are making, telling them that people do care about them. 

The donations were so overwhelming, with Android members antagonizing each other, pushing each other to donate more, to do more. One member went so far as to ask his grocer's butcher and cashier for donations. (He received them too) 

Within 3 weeks, you guys not only provided stockings for these airmen, but you provided hand written cards. (Each airmen received at least 5 cards personalized to them). The airmen also received gifts valued at approximately $150 each. We bought Craftsman tool sets, ipod Nanos, digital cameras, electric guitars, PS3 games, XBox 360 games, remotes for those game consoles, movie sets (Such as Band of Brothers), etc. 

These gifts were delivered by our squadron's first shirt "Santa" style. They were delivered to the dorm rooms while the airmen were at work. 

For weeks, we had airmen coming up and thanking us for all that was done. People asking about this "Android" community that had provided so many thoughtful gifts, cards, etc. Each stocking had the airman's first and last name written on it in glitter glue. (Will never do that again! OMG the hand cramps). =D

But the most surprising moment, was when we found out about a young airmen who honestly didn't think that anyone cared about him. An airmen who had gotten into some trouble and was having a hard time pulling himself out of it. 

This young airmen received one of the stockings, the cards and a gift. I didn't know this airmen before this, so shopping for him was a little nerve wracking. He ended up with the Band of Brother's set. 

This same airman went to the supervisors the day after he received his gifts and told them something that will affect me for the rest of my life. He told them that he had been planning to commit suicide over Christmas. He told them that he didn't think anyone cared about him and that he thought it was the best way out for him. Then he told them that because of the stocking, the gift and the cards, he no longer wanted to kill himself. That an act so random proved to be the most kindness he had seen in years. The movies were actually something that he had wanted (Phew, talk about luck). He had never had a stocking in his entire life. He had never received a Christmas card before. This young airman ended up spending the Christmas holidays at our home, surrounded by strangers who cared more than most people in his life ever had. 

Something that started out as me getting pissed off, ended up saving a life. 

I couldn't have done that without you guys. Without the support, then time, the donations, the dedication to your community and to your airmen. 

YOU saved a life this past Christmas by being there for total strangers. By being a community and by reaching out to someone that you didn't know. 

So thank you. Thank you for being a part of something that means so much to me. For being there for our airmen who are alone overseas. 

Our project is still being talked about. The airmen still refer back to that day when they are having a hard time, or when they start to get down on themselves. 

Keep making a difference. Keep helping strangers. 

I'll be starting things a lot earlier this year for the stockings program. I have to continue it. Knowing the difference it can make, there's no way I can drop it now. I'll be looking to you guys for help with it. 

Just an FYI: In 3 weeks, we raised $7,000 for the airman. Every single dime of that was spent to provide Christmas for them and for 2 families that were stuck in TLF during Christmas. (For those that don't know, TLF is the base hotel). So thank you guys again and again and again. 

Supportive Wife

For years, I've been the supportive military wife.
I know what I signed up for when we got married, I really do. I knew that I would be making sacrifices, and I am honestly ok with that. The military has always been good to us, so I was ok with it.

But now, I need to vent.

You see, we moved to England a year ago and life has been miserable since we got here. And no, it's not just me being miserable, it really is the entire life.

Let's see, where to start...

First of all, they moved us here from Florida. For those of you that don't know, it's fucking cold here. We were moved from an environment where we wore shorts, tank tops and flip flops for about 9 months out of the year. The other three months were spent in jeans and hoodies with tennis shoes. It was HOT there and I loved it. Moving here, we had to buy all new wardrobes, and tons of warmer bedding, etc. We needed coats, hats, tights, scarves, gloves, thermal underwear, etc. It sucks.

Then, my husbands job has been total shit. Awful supervision, major disorganization, little down time, etc. One guy just worked 6 weeks straight without a single day off and some of those days were 12 hour shifts!

To top it off, he's only gone TDY once. He's been stuck in a shit job and doesn't even get to travel. It sucks.
Plus, with his work schedule the way it's been, WE can't travel either.

The school's here for military kids suck too. I've heard that British schools are amazing, but if I put my oldest in a British school, none of his credits will transfer back to American schools. So my kids are now home schooled. Which I'm ok with, but I worry sometimes that they are missing out on the friendships they could be forming if they were in decent schools.

I'm frustrated, I'm cold, and I am SICK and tired of organic food. Give me some hormone injected, non free range, penned up food. Gimme me unsafe pesticides. Give me decent cleaning products that will SCALD the mold off the shower walls. I miss soft water, I miss not having to put salt into a dishwasher.
I miss the trash being picked up twice a week. This every other week crap SUCKS. We get ONE trash bin and it's picked up TWICE a month. That's unsanitary and disgusting.

I'm ready to go home.

Sometimes, the military life really sucks.

Worried sick

I have a friend that I met through a website who has been really struggling over the past year and a half. Life has handed her one shit stick after another. I got busy in life for awhile and couldn't be the friend to her that I know that she needed. But damn it, I miss her. I don't know if she's ok. I don't know what's going on with her, and it scares me a little.

She's one of the kindest, most giving women I know. She puts everything aside for others when they need her and I didn't return it the last time she contacted me. It's not that I didn't want to talk to her, I just got so freaking busy with everything that has happened.

Jess, if you're reading this, email me. Please? I miss you and I am really worried about you. 

Karma Shmarma

I thought that trying to be a good person meant that good things were supposed to happen to you. So why is it that I did the absolute nicest thing I've ever done in my entire life, and provided Christmas for over 60 people this past year and my karma is biting me in the ass?

In just a matter of 10 days, I've found out that I may have to have surgery again, my work schedule has changed so that I now have to be up an hour earlier than usual, I got roofied at the club, and today I shattered the screen on my Galaxy Nexus.

10 days. That's all this year has had so far. And in ten days, all of that has happened.

I used to be a horrible person. I was cruel to people, I pushed people away and hurt people before they could hurt me.

Now, I'm trying so hard. For the past few years, I have done everything that I could to become a better person. I've changed. I treat people better, I do HUGE things to help change people's lives.

So why does karma hate me so much? Why is it that in just 10 days time, so many things can go absolutely fucking wrong?

It was easier treating people like shit. At least then, if something bad happened to me, I knew that I deserved it. THIS, well, this is so much harder to deal with now.

Being a good person is a lot of effort if this is the reward for it. Having life treat you like shit, having everything that can go wrong, going wrong. Feeling down, depressed, angry, and.. well.... bruised. That's the word. I feel fucking bruised.

Karma is definitely a bitch, but what the fuck did I do to deserve all of this? 

Wow! What a year

2011 was definitely a crazy year for us. So many different things happened. Some good, some bad, all of them experiences for our family.
To start with, we moved to England from Florida. Huge difference! Not only have we had to adjust to the weather, but surprisingly, there has been some culture shock for us too. We figured it wouldn't be too bad moving over here, since we supposedly spoke the same language, but boy, were we wrong. The English don't speak English at all! =P They say arse and bollucks, the money is in pounds, quid, monkeys, etc. Then there's the change, which is pence, not cents. And OH! Don't you dare call someone born here British! That's just going to get you in a whole world of hurt, with a history lesson to go right along with it. I can't even begin to count the number of times I've been lectured about the proper way to make tea either.
The English are huge on history and tradition too. Everywhere you go, there's a story to go along with the town, the buildings, even the forests and open spaces.
The rain and grey are probably what gets me the most. I'm used to being outside in the sun, almost constantly. I love hiking, biking, gardening, etc. However, over here, I don't do much of it. I can't stand the cold, and won't go play outside when it's wet. So my entire lifestyle has had to change since we made the move here.
As much as I hate living over here, I do have to admit that I have met some amazing people. If they lived closer to me, then I don't think I'd hate it so much over here. But as it is, I often feel isolated. I'm hoping that hubby can get out of the military soon so that we can go back to the States and start our lives over.

I've done a lot of growing though since we've been here. Emotionally and mentally. I guess even socially. I know that there is nothing that I can't get through. I moved to a new continent where I know absolutely no one. I'm doing more for others than I've ever done before. I've stepped out of my comfort zone and become the person that I want to be. Funny how you grow and change once you remove all the other influences from your life.
I'm a lot pickier about my friends now too. I used to have a savior complex. I was always friends with the under dog, always rescuing people, always befriending the people who made horrible decisions, trying to fix the unfixable. Now, I pretty much decide right from the start whether or not I am going to become friends with someone. I'm pickier. I'm judgemental. I no longer settle. I don't want people in my life that are using drugs, especially if they have kids. I don't want people in my life that are full of drama and that always have major issues going on. I want people in my life that are working towards happiness. Those in solid relationships that don't think it's ok to cheat on their spouses. Those who respect marriage and all that it means. I want friends in my life that aren't going to bring me down, and I finally have that.
I'm learning to live, learning to dream, learning to look forward to a future. All things I never dared to do before. I was supposed to be dead by now according to the doctors, so I never dared to hope for more. Now, I'm sitting here planning a new life, starting over somewhere else sometime in the future. Not sure if it's going to be in six months or three years, but I'm planning and looking forward to things. To buying a house, getting a job, adopting another child, etc.
Anyways, this year has been a year of changes. Since I went on and on about the move, I'm not even  going to begin to start talking about everything else, or I'll bore you all to death. Just know that it's been hectic and crazy and lots of different things happening in our lives.
It's been great meeting the people that I have, and if it wasn't so damned cold and grey here, I might actually like it a little more. =D
It's been an experience. We tried it out. We gave it a shot. I'm grateful for the personal growth I've experienced since I've been here, so I guess it hasn't all been bad.
Now, if I could just find an etiquette school so that I can become a lady before we go back........ 

Stupid shitty parents

I'm frustrated with people right now. How is it that I can't have any more kids, when I am a damned good mom, but others can? People who walk out on their kids, abuse them, manipulate them, neglect them, hurt them? How come those people get to have kids and I can't? I got pregnant at 17 and I took care of my child. I didn't beat him, neglect him, anything. I took parenting classes, I asked for guidance, I listened. I talk to my child openly, I care. I then endured 4 miscarriages and a stillborn before I had another child, my miracle baby. I had to have a hysterectomy because of cancer. I can't have another baby. But you worthless pieces of shit out there beating your kids, abusing them, neglecting them, walking out on them?? YOU CAN??? Wtf? You are sorry pieces of shit that don't deserve to have children. Stop manipulating your kids. Stop using them as pawns in your little fucking games. Stop breeding when you know damned well you can't take care of the ones you already have. Just fucking stop it already. I don't feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for your kids. The innocent children out there that would have been better off if you had allowed someone to adopt them. Where they would have at least had a chance. 
You fucking suck. I really hope you come to realize how incredibly lucky you are to be able to have children. STOP TREATING THEM LIKE SHIT! 
I fucking hate shitty parents. I really really hate them. 

~end rant

Help me help our troops!

Alright guys, I'm putting out a different kind of call for help. We have a lot of guys stationed over here that don't have families around and that can't go on leave (take time off) for the holidays. In fact, most of our single airmen can't go home for the holidays due to undermanning and or finances. Which means that we are going to have a couple of hundred guys sitting in their dorms alone for Christmas day. That thought depresses me. The squadron does a lot for families around the holidays, but there's not a whole lot done for the airmen. Which sucks, cause they're the ones who need someone the most right now. 
So I've got an idea but I really really need help to pull this one off. 
Me and one other spouse are taking on the project of providing these guys a Christmas. We have no squadron funds to help us with this one, so we're needing help. Our idea is to decorate the dorms, and to provide stockings for all of our troops in our squadron. 
What I need from you is the following:
Stockings
Stocking stuffers (toys, such as tops, slinkies, playing cards, etc, also candy)
Letters to stick in the stockings
Ornaments for the tree
Candy canes
Board games so that they have something to keep them busy during the day

Oriental trading and the dollar tree are perfect for things like this. Every single bit helps, so even if you can only send out one stocking, it will be appreciated. No donation is too small. 
For those who can't send anything but still want to help, you can also donate to our paypal account and I will use the funds to shop for our troops. 

They need us guys. These are guys serving our country in a foreign land. They will be invited to their supervisors homes for the holidays, but really, who wants to have Christmas dinner with your boss? We want to give them something to look forward to, something to wake up too. I'd love to do presents for all of them, but I know that's unrealistic. So my goal is to give them a kid like stocking, filled with fun things for them for the holidays. 

Please help guys. My heart is breaking for them, but I can only do so much on my own. Think of how you would feel if a family member or a loved one was going to be completely alone for the holidays. Think of how you would feel if you couldn't be with your family and friends. Let's try to make the holidays a little bit better for these guys.

#fckCancer

You know how I just posted about the ups and downs of no longer being anonymous on the internet? Well, another downfall hit us yesterday. When you talk to someone each day, you share their troubles, their struggles, their accomplishments and achievements, their lives tend to affect you. I don't think you realize just how much until you're sitting there in tears refreshing your computer and your phone every 30 seconds waiting for an update. Waiting to find out if someone you love, but have never met is going to pull through this time.

Droidbeats has become a very good friend this past year.  He's also  been battling cancer for awhile now. When I woke up yesterday, there was a post on his Twitter account saying that he had been taken in for emergency surgery. His wife was posting the update because Josh had asked her to make sure we knew what happened to him. Josh and his family had an extremely rough day yesterday. As the day continued, his wife, Bella, handed the phone over to Danny, so that we could continue to get updates. The fact that we were included shows us that Josh really did consider us family and close friends.
We were there waiting for him to come out of surgery. We were there when the doctors told Bella that she should use the next 24-48 hours to day goodbye. We were there, anxiously awaiting to see if he was able to see his children before he passed, and we were relieved and grateful that they made it to his bedside in time.
Danny and Bella updated us through it all. And when they finally had to say goodbye, we were able to say ours too. Bella even got online last night and talked to some of us. She thanked us for our support and she passed messages along from Josh.
Needless to say, I cried more tears over someone I've never met than I have for some of those I have known in "real life". Josh gave so much of himself to all of us. He was courageous, loving, kind, and giving right up until the very end. He gave many of us his last messages, although they were done so light heartedly, we didn't really realize we were saying goodbye right then and there.
Josh fought a good battle, and he showed us that even if you've got love and family around you, there's always room for more. We were treated like family not only by him, but by his real family too. Our thoughts and feelings were taken into consideration. I am so grateful to Bella and Danny for including us during such a difficult time.
Sometimes, online can be a pain in the ass. We all know it. I may miss being anonymous at times, but knowing that I made an impact on one life makes it all worth it.
So Josh, this is for you. You may not have gotten to take your #fckcancer tour like you wanted, but please know that you touched a heart all the way in Norfolk, England. And I'm sure you've touched so many others around the world.
We love you. We miss you. #fckCancer 

Not so anonymous now

begin rant/

You know there are some days when I feel like I have no where to turn to when I just want to let it all out. There's no forum that I go on where absolutely no one knows me. No group of strangers that I can just go yell and scream and rant and rave and cry and pout without feeling like I'm being judged. Or at least where I don't really give a shit if I am or not. Some days, like today, I start to miss that sense of anonymity.

There's a flip side to that too though. I can remember all too well the days where I would go online and post something that was absolutely heart wrenching to me and no one would be there to respond. There was no one to cheer me up, or to cheer me on during the tough times. It made the isolation that much harder to deal with.

Being online now is completely different. I feel like the only place I could let things out anonymously would be on Myspace. =P Although I'm having a shitty night and could use a secret place to vent about it, I'm not quite THAT desperate.

There is a plus side to not being a random name on the web. Most of the time, if I need someone to talk to, there are plenty of people there. Just on Twitter alone, there are hundreds of people from all walks of life that can get me through just about anything.

When my grandmother died last year, I had support.

When we were struggling to relocate while living in separate countries, I had support.

When the anniversary of my daughter's death came around, I had support.

And even on the nights where I feel completely isolated here, I know that I have support.

Hell, most of my friends live in my computer. They are all teeny tiny little people who live in there sending me hugs when I need them, getting fired up right along with me when someone pisses me off, and encouraging me when I feel like I just can't do anything right.

Tonight is just so confusing. I'm hurting, I'm angry, I'm frustrated. But I don't want anyone that I talk to in real life or online to know why. (Does that piss anyone else off? Real life vs. online? Most of my friends from the internet are better friends than a lot of those that I've met in person) Because it's a really stupid reason to be so upset and  because the person that I'm upset with is involved and invested in me both online and off.

So where do you go when you need to feel but you don't want to hurt someone? When you want support but you can't really express why you're so hurt and upset?

I know that I can jump into some random forum and get it out of my system. So what is preventing me from doing it? What keeps me from being able to tell strangers why I'm upset? What in the hell makes me feel like it's better to hold it in than to let it out this time?

I feel like screaming, like crying, like clenching my fists in frustration over the entire situation.

Yeah, this fucking sucks.

/endrant

RIP to Officer MacPhail

This rant was taken off a forum where people value their anonymity, so I'm not going to give the name of the person who wrote it. However, I will say it wasn't me. I just absolutely positively 100% agree with everything that this person said. I couldn't have said it any better myself.

lmao. i'm glad the justice system had the balls to go through with what they said they were going to do for once. GOOD. first of all, no one but the 12 jurors, the lawyers, and the judges know what evidence was presented to make his case. everyone in the media and all of his little fan base can pretend that there wasn't enough evidence, but he was given a fair trial and ample appeals. you don't know the extent of the evidence, you weren't on the jury, and unless you were, you better find a better excuse than 'there wasn't enough evidence.'  and if you're even ignorant enough to suggest racism, give me a fucking break. the head justice that heard his appeal was black, as was the head of the georgia parole board. secondly, this man had his day in court. he had his lawyers (you are assigned a PLETHORA of them when your sentenced to death), you are given plenty of appeals, and the time most inmates spend on death row is lengthy. furthermore, his whole act of wanting to take a polygraph yesterday is bullshit. not only are polygraphs not admissible in court, but one can learn how to pass it. plus, why wait till the morning of the execution to take it to 'prove his innocence'? i am all for the death penalty. in this day and age (read: IN THIS DAY AND AGE) it is rare that mistakes are made with the advanced tests that are done on DNA. the fact of the matter is that more people die waiting to be executed than ever actually are. in 2010, only 48 people were put to death. and how many people were brutally murdered? what about this police officer that was murdered off duty helping a homeless man? did he get a trial to prove his innocence? did he get people rallying to save his life? did he get a sedative an hour before he was put to death and then put to sleep by a cocktail of drugs? who cared about him and his family and his future? no one, because no one gave a FUCK. and furthermore, where were all the 'death penalty abolitionists' in texas yesterday? because there was an execution there too. but i guess if they're executing a white man, there's not as much publicity to be had, and the race card can't be played, and we can't cry to cry to obama and to the NAACP, etc etc. PLEASE. go ahead and crucify me. i'm not coming back to this bleeding heart thread. RIP to officer macphail <3

Your right to be an ASSHAT

Moving to England has had it's ups and downs, and it's definitely been an eye opener for me. What I notice most is both the huge amount of support for American troops, and the insane amount of cruelty when it comes to those same troops. Let me explain...

My husband serves in the United States Air Force. I am a Navy veteran. So when it comes to military life, we're not noobs. We both made a choice, individually at first, then as a family to serve our country, and we do it without regret. We've received care packages from people that we only know through the internet, just because they want to show their support in some small way. Those care packages always make the days a little brighter. We get told thank you on occasion from other internet friends for our sacrifices. It's those little things that mean the world to us when times are tough. Those are the things that remind us of why we chose to defend our country.

Then there's the other side of things, the heart breaking side, which will probably be more focused on in this particular rant.

There are the asshats that bemoan the military, the war, and have even gone so far as to picket funerals of soldiers who have died in combat. WTF?

The thing that sucks, is that we can't really get mad. We are over here, away from all of our family, trying to learn to make new friends, in a new home, new country, new culture, serving our country so that people like this have the FREEDOM to be the dick heads that they are.

I cringe when someone says that war isn't necessary. Do you really think that we send our husbands, our children's fathers out to combat; hoping, praying, wishing that he will make it home, just to play games? Do you really think we sleep countless nights alone for something that could be resolved with a game of Tiddly Winks and some Oreos?

 I hate this war just as much as anyone else. I've pulled bodies out of the rubble on September 11, 2001. I still can't stand the smell of burnt hair or skin. It lingers in the back of my mind, and launches an assault on my thoughts and emotions when I do have to smell it. I remember the bodies being pulled out, I remember the screams, the cries for help, the raspy voices begging for someone to dig them out from under their concrete coffins. And I remember America crying out for justice, for retaliation, and yes, even for revenge. I remember kissing my kids goodbye and wondering if it would be the last time that I would ever see them, since we were told to have our affairs in order, we probably wouldn't make it back alive.

I spent 159 days on an aircraft carrier with 6000 other people with no port calls, no breaks, just war. I remember what it was like with a clarity that I wish would cease to exist. I went without sleep, without the luxuries of phones calls home, internet privileges, hell, I did it without the luxury of hot water most days. I didn't do it to be mean or to hurt people. I did it because our country was attacked, and someone needed to stand up for our citizens.

I kiss my husband goodnight every night, and watch him walk out the door, with no certainty that he's returning. He can leave at any moment to go out there and defend our country, to defend our freedoms. I'd love nothing more than to have his boots safely tucked under my bed at night. Hell, I'd give my right arm to have him IN my bed at night. Instead, he's out defending some jerks' right to talk crap about the military.

The absolute worse thing though, is seeing these soldiers funerals picketed. I don't care what religious affiliation you choose to have, or what ideals and beliefs you want to spout off at the mouth about. But leave the funerals alone. The dead soldier can't hear you. However, his family can. The family who has already sat there, looking out the window, watching the uniformed officers walking up to their homes. The family that knew what would be said before the first knock was even delivered. The family who sacrificed their time with loved ones so that you could have the freedoms that you so enjoy. THAT family is the one listening to you picket the funeral. That coffin holds someone's child. Possibly someone's husband, father, brother, sister, wife, and even mother. Those are human beings being laid to rest, and they can't even get that.

Have these picketers stopped to think that if they pulled that crap in another country, they would be fined, stoned, possibly even killed?  No. They haven't. They take their civil liberties for granted without ever stopping to think that the reason they have them is because a SOLDIER gave his life to defend their right to be free to speak their minds. They don't think about it, because that would mean that maybe war isn't all fun and games. Maybe, just maybe, people are fighting because our country needs us. If you hate the country so damned much, feel free to leave. Feel free to move somewhere else. Somewhere that doesn't let you get away with things that you take for granted in the States.

I can't stand this war. I can't stand sleeping alone at night. I hate the fact that almost all of my friends live in my computer, because I've moved around too much in my life to ever plant my roots anywhere. However, I will support my soldiers no matter the cost to myself. I will kiss my husband goodbye every night, and I will continue to tell him to stay safe. And if the time ever comes where I'm the one receiving the knock at my door, telling me that his boots will no longer be getting left in the living room for me to trip over, well, all I can say is that at that point, Fuck your right to Freedom of Speech. I'll be exercising my right to kick your ass.

Putting on my big girl panties

Well, it's been 8 months since we uprooted everything we've known in our lives and moved to a new country. This have definitely been different than we expected. Up until just a few short weeks ago, it's been miserable and I've wanted nothing more than to leave this place and go home.
The entire move has been a nightmare. Fighting with TMO, the passport office, dealing with homelessness for awhile because we cleared base housing when they told us too, but couldn't leave when we were supposed to. The kids being in 3 different schools in one school year. The change in weather, and yes, even a change in culture. I went from having a very active social life to having no social life at all. I was starved for adult interaction, but hated calling anyone back home because all I ever did was bitch and complain about how pathetic my life was. I was making excuses for my behavior, I was justifying my temper tantrum, and I can see that now.
But somewhere, somehow, through all the tears, the whining, the frustrations, something finally clicked in my scattered brain, and I remembered why we are here.
We didn't move here expecting unicorns and rainbows. We didn't save for years and years and dream of living here our entire lives. We came here because my husband serves his country. We came here because his country told us to. This is where we are needed, and this is where we will stay until our tour of duty is up. We came here because that's what you do when you join the military. You make sacrifices.
Is this really a sacrifice though? I mean, for crying out loud, I live in ENGLAND! Sure, the weather sucks, and they can't tell a cookie from a biscuit, but is it really as bad as I've made it out to be? Maybe, but then again, maybe not.
We have opportunities here that we wouldn't have had in the States. We can travel, and for really cheap too. I can go to London anytime I want to. I was able to help out with the riot cleanup (Which I gotta say, was kind of devastating). I can introduce my British friends to the wonders of American cooking. (The food here is very bland). I can wear dresses with jeans and not get more than a glance my way. I can color my hair any funky color I want to, and it's considered normal.
I have a brand new start in life. No one here truly knows me yet. They've only seen the medicated me. The one who couldn't adjust to her surroundings. The one who wanted to give up and go home.
Well, I'm off my meds now. I'd rather be a little off the wall and unbalanced than to be that miserable depressed whiny ass brat that I been for the past 8 months.
I've decided that going home isn't an option. Being miserable for 4 years isn't either. So I'm going to make the best out of the time that we have here. I don't know for sure what I'm going to be doing yet. I'm still kind of floundering around with that. But who cares? I can do ANYTHING I want to. I can completely reinvent myself if I want. Cause let's be honest, I seriously doubt a single one of my real life friends will be bothering to come and visit. So there's nothing holding me back. There's nothing stopping me from being the person I've always felt that I had to suppress.
So watch out England. My husband may be over here to help you defend your country, and to defend our own, but I'm here to raise some hell!!
And btw, they are COOKIES. Biscuits are what you serve with gravy. And tea is meant to be cold and sweet, not hot and milky.
I've got my big girl panties on now. No more tantrums for me. This is the life I chose when I said "I Do", and damn it, I'm gonna do it, and I'm gonna do it with a huge smile on my face! 

Roller Coaster from Hell

Life has been a massive roller coaster of emotions since we've moved here. I know many of you have seen my Tweets and read some of the stuff I've put on +. I feel like I need to set a few things straight, since my rants are usually me just ranting about the moment, but people are too dumb to realize that.
Yes, I am absolutely miserable over here. I've never been so depressed in my entire life, and it scares the hell out of me.
Does that mean that I don't value the friendships that I've made since I've been here? Absolutely not. When I'm bitching and complaining about how stupid people are, am I referring to those I consider friends? No. I'm referring to how people treat me without knowing me, at all. There is a huge difference. So please don't feel that me wanting to leave here means that I want to leave those individuals. It just means that I need to take my life as a whole and evaluate what is going to be best for me and my family.
Do I hate being a military wife? No. I realize that I have been bitching and complaining a lot about life over here. Overall, I have had an amazing experience being a military wife. The support for military families that I have seen from our country has been incredible, and I appreciate the care packages, the warm wishes, etc.
What I hate is my life right now. It's called environmental depression. My depression is directly relavent to the weather over here. You can always tell when it's sunny out, because those are the days when I'm perky and not hating it. I wish that I could control this. I wish that I could change it. I don't understand it, so there's nothing that I can do about it. I have always loved the rain, so why it makes me so miserable here is beyond me.
The military put us here, but they can't control the weather. So yes, I will bitch and complain about the military, because that's what brought me here. It doesn't mean that I hate my country, it doesn't mean that I don't support the military. It means that I'm in over my head and I need help. The military is the only way for me to get it right now. So please don't confuse my depression with a hate for the military way of life. They are separate issues in my mind, even if I can't always or don't always convey that way of thinking in my posts.

Casey Anthony

In just a few short hours since the jury came back with a "Not Guilty" verdict, I have seen numerous outcries from around the world about how a woman has gotten away with murder. People yelling and screaming about Justice for Caylee. What I haven't seen disturbs me even more than a not guilty verdict.

I haven't seen people standing up for the child in the grocery store who is being belittled, yanked around, threatened, or even physically hurt. I haven't seen anyone walk up and pinch a woman as hard as she is pinching her infant child who is howling in pain. I haven't seen anyone step up and interfere. With all this technology available to us, I haven't seen anyone pull out a phone and call the police to report abuse. 

It usually takes SEVERE abuse in public before someone bothers to report it. I can guarantee that Casey Anthony did SOMETHING at some point that made people shake their heads and comment about how she took care of her child. However, did anyone step in and DO anything? No. 

A child died. Whether it was at the hands of Casey Anthony, or a murderer yet to be caught, a little girl has been killed. In my opinion, it could have and should have been prevented. No, there's not justice for Caylee yet. Hopefully there will be one day. But while you're crying and whining about how our legal system failed yet again, think about yourself. Think about how many times in your life you've bit your tongue. How many times you've turned a blind eye. 

It is better to show concern and act than to turn your head and feel guilty later. 

Now, am I saying to start calling Child Protective Services every time a parent disciplines a child? Absolutely not. But think about this: That woman who just slapped the hell out of her child hard enough to leave a red mark across his face in public is probably doing a lot worse in the privacy of her own home. 

The parents of the toddler who is running around outside unsupervised and getting into the middle of the road are probably not watching the child very well at any other time either. 

Casey Anthony wasn't convicted. There is NOTHING that we can do about it now. Not legally. What we can do, is watch out for the kids all around us that are being abused. 

If you don't want to make a phone call, fine. Donate your time, money, unwanted cell phones, clothes, toys, household items to a domestic violence shelter. Or to a group home or orphanage. Help the kids who got out. 

But please, stop yelling about how horrible everything is if you are not willing to make a change yourself. 

Someone knows what happened to poor Caylee. Someone suspected something. Yet everyone kept their mouths shut until it was too late. Don't be that person. Don't let another child go to his/her grave because you couldn't be bothered to stand up for them. 

Be a voice for those that can't speak for themselves.

Edit* I was not able to fully follow the trial since the UK television channels that I get did not have trial coverage. I only know what I was able to view in online newpapers. While I think Casey is a vile human being and should have been convicted of at least hiding a corpse, or an accessory after the fact, I don't know the evidence. I will choose to believe that the jurors did what they could. Remember, it only takes 1 jury member to disagree with a verdict for it to not be able to go through. I will not get mad at members of the jury for their decision. As far as I am concerned, Caylee's death/murder is still unsolved and the investigation needs to be reopened. 

A dev/enthusiasts guide to living with a woman

Ok guys. It’s payback time. You didn’t honestly expect me to give your women a guide on how to live with you without pointing out some of your flaws too, did you? Aww, you did? Well, too bad.

Alright men, we do what we can to support you. We listen to you drone on and on about your damned phones. We plan our monthly budgets to include all these new toys that you think you absolutely have to have RIGHT NOW. We cook for you, we wash your nasty ass clothes, we scrub your toilets, and yes, here it comes, we suck your cocks. But what does  that get us? Not your appreciation, not diamonds, hell, not even flowers most of the time. We get taken for granted. Or at least, that’s how it feels sometimes.  So here’s the deal. If you want your women to follow the guide that I put out for them, then you need to start doing a few things too.

1. Every 20 minutes, walk away from your computer and acknowledge her. Whether you give her a kiss, ask about her day, go smoke with her, etc. And no, asking her to make you a sammich does not count as acknowledgement. There have been studies that have shown that you will actually be MORE productive if you get up every twenty minutes and focus for 5 minutes on something else.

2. Pick your “nights out” just like you would if you were actually going out. If you’re staying up all night on the computer and she’s not getting her time with you, then you’re kind of being a jerk. So you and her need to agree on a reasonable time for you to get off the computer each night. Something that leaves time for you to spend together. Decide when it’s important to stay up late hanging with the community. If she were to go to the clubs every night of the week, you’d be upset. Maybe you’re still in the house, but you are still as unattainable as if you were out clubbing too.

3. When she takes the time to cook you a meal, or even make you a sammich, have the decency to sit down and enjoy it. Don’t sit there and inhale it at your computer. Go to the table, the couch, where ever you would eat if you didn’t have a computer. (Scary thought, I know) Whatever you’re in the process of doing will still be there after you eat.

4. While I do think that women need to be giving proper blow jobs, you guys have to do some work too. If we are trying to make love, fuck, screw, get it on, whatever you want to call it, do not, I repeat, DO NOT geek speak to us. Unless we ask you too. You have got to leave the coding at the computer.

5. Also, for the love of bacon, manscape. There is nothing worse than going down on a guy who can’t be bothered to keep it trimmed. How would you like it if we had a huge bush that we didn’t take care of? You wouldn’t. So please return the favor and clean it up.

6. We appreciate the little things in life. We really do. Stop and get us flowers on occasion. Buy us our favorite candy, or hell, our favorite bottle of liquor. Take one of those post its off of your desk, write something sweet on it, and put it somewhere that we will see it. We NEED to know that we are important enough to be noticed. And the little things mean the most.

7. With all of that technology at your fingertips, you absolutely will not be excused from remembering important dates or events. So make sure you get it all inputed into your device, set a reminder for it and then do it. Acknowledge it. Cause the whole “Oh shit, I forgot” line isn’t going to fly anymore.

8. Oh, back to the bedroom for a minute. We are not keyboards. You can’t push a few buttons and think it’s going to provide you with positive feedback. So take your damned time and get us off. If you don’t know what the hell you’re doing, then take the Android ranters advice and fucking research it. Learn what the hell you’re doing before you start fucking with your device. If you want any chance of rooting us without getting a brick upside your head, then do it right. There’s nothing worse than making a grocery list during sex. But we might as well at times, with as much effort as you’re providing. (Mine excluded, he’s been properly trained).

9. Learn to have a conversation that doesn’t revolve around root. Yes, we may be proud of you, yes we may support you in what you’re doing, but if you’re going to talk root all damned day, then you had better be prepared to listen to us talk about who’s relationship is falling apart, who’s cheating on who, who’s kid is a rotten little shit, who had the audacity to go to Target in her grubby sweats, who’s fatter than we are, etc. We’re catty as fuck. So if you don’t want to hear about our shit non stop, all fucking day, then broaden your conversational topics just a bit, or we are going to start setting egg timers to tell you when to shut the fuck up about your phone/tablet/etc.

10. Get off your asses and out of the house at least one day a week. Required things out of the house don’t count either. You are probably not actually allergic to the sun. Fresh air will not kill you. Either do something with us, or do something with your other friends, but for crying out loud, go outside.

11. Last but not least, your faith in your own abilities is astounding at times. But, please please talk to her before you root your devices. Remember, how much you spend on your toys affects her too. If you royally fuck it up, if you manage to brick it, she is going to be out some money too. Letting you guys have your toys is expensive. So cut us some slack if we are a little freaked out at first about you voiding your warranty. As your abilities grow and develop, so will our ability to be ok with you rooting, without the panic attacks that we are sure to have in the beginning.

There’s a lot for you guys to learn too. We want to be supportive, we want to be there for you, but you make it really fucking difficult at times. Follow this simple guide and you might just find things working out for both sides a hell of a lot better than they were. It’s not going to be easy. You’re going to have to show her that she is just as/more important to you as your phone. Hard concept to grasp, but you can do it. I have faith in you.