Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Not so anonymous now

begin rant/

You know there are some days when I feel like I have no where to turn to when I just want to let it all out. There's no forum that I go on where absolutely no one knows me. No group of strangers that I can just go yell and scream and rant and rave and cry and pout without feeling like I'm being judged. Or at least where I don't really give a shit if I am or not. Some days, like today, I start to miss that sense of anonymity.

There's a flip side to that too though. I can remember all too well the days where I would go online and post something that was absolutely heart wrenching to me and no one would be there to respond. There was no one to cheer me up, or to cheer me on during the tough times. It made the isolation that much harder to deal with.

Being online now is completely different. I feel like the only place I could let things out anonymously would be on Myspace. =P Although I'm having a shitty night and could use a secret place to vent about it, I'm not quite THAT desperate.

There is a plus side to not being a random name on the web. Most of the time, if I need someone to talk to, there are plenty of people there. Just on Twitter alone, there are hundreds of people from all walks of life that can get me through just about anything.

When my grandmother died last year, I had support.

When we were struggling to relocate while living in separate countries, I had support.

When the anniversary of my daughter's death came around, I had support.

And even on the nights where I feel completely isolated here, I know that I have support.

Hell, most of my friends live in my computer. They are all teeny tiny little people who live in there sending me hugs when I need them, getting fired up right along with me when someone pisses me off, and encouraging me when I feel like I just can't do anything right.

Tonight is just so confusing. I'm hurting, I'm angry, I'm frustrated. But I don't want anyone that I talk to in real life or online to know why. (Does that piss anyone else off? Real life vs. online? Most of my friends from the internet are better friends than a lot of those that I've met in person) Because it's a really stupid reason to be so upset and  because the person that I'm upset with is involved and invested in me both online and off.

So where do you go when you need to feel but you don't want to hurt someone? When you want support but you can't really express why you're so hurt and upset?

I know that I can jump into some random forum and get it out of my system. So what is preventing me from doing it? What keeps me from being able to tell strangers why I'm upset? What in the hell makes me feel like it's better to hold it in than to let it out this time?

I feel like screaming, like crying, like clenching my fists in frustration over the entire situation.

Yeah, this fucking sucks.