Thursday, December 06, 2012

In a world of Sheldon's...

I'm not the slightest bit technological. I don't have a geeky bone in my body. Yet, it seems like everywhere I look, I am surrounded by geeks and nerds.

My twitter feed is full of people posting about themes and operating systems. There's a constant war going on about which OS is the best one, who the best developer or themer is. My G+ is even worse. Between the scientist, the computer nerds,  the gamers, the photographers, etc, it's all geek to me.

I feel like I'm the Penny in a world full of Sheldon's. Somehow, against all odds, I fit into this world. I can't understand half of what is being said. I have little to no interest in HOW physics/computers/gaming systems/cameras work. I just want them to. I know that it takes the genius of others to make these things work the way that they should. But try as I might, I can't stay interested in the inner workings of it long enough to figure it all out.

I got involved in this world because it was important to my husband, and I wanted to spend time with him. I wanted to understand the things that he was interested in. Instead, a different side of his world opened up to me.

I may not understand geek speak. I may not care about ram, roms, etc. But I do care about the people in this strange and foreign world.

Lately, I have found that more and more of the members of that society come to me for relationship advice. They ask me for guidance in making the more social decisions in their lives. They trust their feelings, emotions, thoughts and hearts to me. It's a big responsibility. But it's also a privilege. I love that I can contribute something to a world that baffles me at times.

What I love the most though is how protective these geeks can be. When I'm down, they are there. Trying their hardest to encourage me. They point out all of the good things about me that I don't always see. Seeing myself through their eyes is astounding. When someone hurts me or irritates me... HOLY SHIT! They come running with their light sabers held high and ready to defend me!

I live my life with my emotions. I'm not logical or analytical about anything. I lead with my heart. I do and say things without thinking of the consequences until it's too late. And yet, there is this entire social group out there that points out how important that is. How it's crucial in life to have someone who will always be honest with you. Who thinks outside of the box. Who isn't afraid to feel.

I think that's the biggest thing. So many of the people in this world are too afraid to feel. They only allow themselves to be hurt so many times before they realize that the most logical thing to do is to just stop caring. I can't do that. I get knocked down over and over again and I still put myself out there. I still care about people. I'll do as much or more for a total stranger than I would for my loved ones at times.

So while I may feel like Penny at times, the flaky actress who's lost by most of the conversations happening around me, I know without a doubt that the Sheldon's in my life cherish me. They see something in me that I can't always see in myself. And I know that they contribute quite a bit to my own life too. I don't think I could have gotten through the last few months without them. Logic makes sense sometimes. Even to the Penny's of this world.

Our love story

I met my husband 4 years ago. It was a complete and total fluke. We've got one of those stories where things shouldn't have worked out, but they have. So that's what I'm going to write about today.

Hubby and I met online. His ex-fiancee had introduced him to the site that we met on, and my ex boyfriend/friend had introduced me to it. It wasn't a dating site at all and neither of us were even considering getting involved in another relationship at the time.

But one day, a guy on the forums posted a thread with his phone number and invited others to do so. The idea behind it was that we could send each other encouraging messages, silly messages, or even just tell our secrets to a stranger. Well, hubby posted his number and I posted mine. Which if you know either of us, you know that is completely out of character.

So anyways, I took down a bunch of the numbers. Anyone who had posted theirs, actually. Hubby had only posted a very few things in the forums, so it's not like I knew much about him. He was just one of about 50 numbers that I had taken down that day.

I started texting people and they started texting back. But this one ASSHOLE never ever texted me back. I texted him the same message every time, "Sweet dreams and sweeter awakenings" and he never responded. GRRR

 I was sitting at my friend's house one night after work. My ex had the kids, so we were drinking and being goofballs. I decided that I was going to text him one last time, and if he didn't respond, I was deleting him from my phone. I didn't want to be that crazy chick from the internet that wouldn't leave him alone! 0_O  What do you know, he chooses the night I'm drunk to finally respond. The conversation went like this:

Me: Sweet dreams and sweeter awakenings
Him: I love it when you text me that. No matter how bad my day has been, it always makes me smile.
Me: Really? Cause I always feel like an asshole since you never text me back.

From there, we texted the entire night, until my thumbs were quite literally cramping. Oh, and I had T9 still on my keyboard, so that was even worse. The next day, he took a leap of faith and decided to call me after he got off of work. Well, from then on out, we were inseparable. If we weren't at work, we were on the phone. In one month alone, we ran up 8,800 minutes on the phone with each other!

The third night that we were talking, we were about to hang up when out of no where, I blurted out that I loved him. 0_O YIKES! I freaked out, started apologizing, etc. He told me to shut up. Then he tells me that he thinks he's falling in love with me too.

Exactly one week from the day we started texting, he asked me to marry him. Yep. One week. We were living 1450 miles apart, had never seen each other face to face. We're both laying in our respective beds talking to each other when all of a sudden he blurts out a proposal. I offered to let him take it back, but he meant it. Of course, I said yes.

I don't know what it was about him or me, or the circumstances that made us just go with it. Neither of us would typically do anything even remotely close to this. We don't behave in this manner. But for some reason, it just felt right. We followed our hearts and the rest fell into place.

Exactly 2 months to the day that we started talking, we were married. We only met face to face 10 days before our wedding.

That was almost 4 1/2 years ago.

I think part of what made the both of us so quick to just jump in and leave was the fact that I am a cancer survivor. I overheard him on the phone with his dad a couple of days before we got married. His dad and asked him what the rush was. Hubby told him that I was a cancer survivor and he didn't want to waste a single day without me.

I still remember the day that they told me that the cancer was fully gone. I cried my eyes out. Not because I was happy, but because I was afraid my husband was going to leave me! I had honestly thought that he took the chance and married me because I was probably going to die soon anyways. Imagine my surprise when he stuck around. Hell, he laughed at me when I even suggested that he might leave me over that!

I am slowly learning how to truly live. My husband shows me every day how wonderful life can be. I've spent most of my life being told that I was going to die soon. For the past 4 years, I've been learning to actually think about a future. To have hopes and dreams. To want more out of life than dr's appointments and just surviving. He doesn't let me just settle for breathing. (There have been many days that just having that was a miracle, I didn't dare ask for more)

I'm still amazed that he loves me as much as he does. I'm also amazed at my own capacity for love. I didn't know that I had this much love to give to one person. It's incredible to know that I can trust someone wholly and completely. To know that even in our worst moments, when it seems like the fighting won't end that night, he still loves me. I know without a doubt that divorce is not an option for either of us. We made our vows, we're in this for life.

He is so much more than my other half. He's my best friend, my secret keeper, my healer, my lover, my personal cheerleader, my life coach, my children's father and the most wonderful man I've ever known in my life. If my kids grow up to be half the man that he is, then I will be thrilled.

So that's our love story. We both stepped out of our comfort zones and just let our hearts makes the decisions. I should probably do that more often. My heart's pretty smart. =D

Monday, December 03, 2012

Waiting and frustrated

I started today off on a good note, but unfortunately, it's gone to shit again. I'm trying to stay calm, but it's so frustrating.

I'm not doing well at all with the waiting on others routine. I feel like I've waited long enough. But obviously others don't feel that way. They see each task individually, whereas I see things as a whole.

As a whole, I have been waiting since September 6th to get everything done. As a whole, since that day, my son's life has been altered. My life has been altered.

On September 6th, my son was brutally assaulted.

On September 10th, my husband had to leave for a few weeks.

On September 11th, we had to deal with the disciplinary committee at the school and my son had to face his attacker. That was also the day that I first saw the video of the assault.

On September 24th, my son ran into his assailant unexpectedly on the base during his lunch period. He was so upset, I had to come and pick him up from school.

On September 25th, my son lost it at school and stormed out of the assistant principal's office when she told him that the assault had happened nearly a month ago and to get over it.

On September 27th, my son told me that he was suicidal. I rushed him to the emergency room for a psych eval.

On September 28th, they brought my husband home early so that he could be there for my son.

I then had to fight tooth and nail to get my son seen by a mental health professional. It wasn't until
October 17th that he was FINALLY seen by someone. Because they do NOT have the resources here for him.

On October 23rd, my son's psychologist started the process for us to leave the country.

I've had to wait for the Dr's since then. I've had to wait for them to rewrite our EFMP's.

 I had to wait for appointments to get the rest of the paperwork filled out by all of the other doctors. I've had to beg and plead with Dr's to complete ALL of the paperwork.

I finally got all of the doctors to finish signing last Thursday. That was November 29th. It took them over a month just to finish the clinical side of the paperwork.

I had ONE form left. ONE. It was a letter to the EFMP reassignment office from my husband. Of course, I had to draft it up. I got it to him on November 27th. Six days ago.

He needed it redrafted a bit and his section chief said that he would have it ready on the 28th. We went in on the 28th to pick it up and it wasn't ready. So we were told he would have it to us that evening.

Well, no one seems to know that they need a commander's signature for stuff. So then we find out on Thursday evening that it will not be ready because it needs to be routed up. Cause you know, in the military, you have to go up an entire chain of command for a single piece of paper to be signed.

Well, they messed up the paperwork, so after it had been routed part of the way on Friday, they tell us it has to be started all over again and we could pick it up on Monday.

Well, it's Monday. My husband called earlier and was told that he could come and pick it up. The paper needed two more signatures. Of course, once he gets there, he's told that the next person in the chain that has to sign the form is at an appointment that they weren't aware of.

Hubby came home and told me that it would be ready today. Their workday usually ends about 4pm. So when he hadn't been called to come and get it by that point, I called. I just explained how important this one form is for our family.

Within 5 minutes of my call, hubby got a call saying that he could come and pick up the form. It was finally signed.

But it's still a very long process. Once I can FINALLY turn that one form in, we have to wait on someone else to check and make sure that we have a completed package. Then and only then, can she get all of the forms ready for submission.

Then once they are ready, I have to pray that hubby gets time at work to upload them to the system. Once it's all finally uploaded, we have to wait another 6-8 weeks for an approval, and then yet another month after that to finally get out of here.

Thankful for the good ones

When you're spiraling the way that I am, and you're struggling with everything, you don't know what's real and what's not. You don't know if you're just imagining that people are being horrible, or if they actually are. That can be confusing. It can also be extremely frustrating, not only for the person battling depression, but for all of those around them.

After my last post, I had some amazing people reach out to me. Two of them I already knew were there, but one person in particular surprised me a bit. I've always liked this woman, but our lives are vastly different, so we don't really get together much. She's a sweetheart though and took time out of her day to really check in on me and to reach out. She had no reason to really do so, other than she cares. So thank you Vanessa O for texting back and forth with me. Such a small act made a huge impact and I really appreciate it. For that one moment in time, I didn't feel so alone. I just want you to know that it really did make a difference for me.

It's been really difficult for me lately. Reaching out has been both good and bad. I've had 3 people who have been absolute rocks throughout all of this. Amber, Wendy and Holli. These 3 girls keep in regular contact with me, make absolute sure I'm ok, and let me know that some of what I'm feeling is completely valid.

They don't tell me to get over it, they don't tell me that I'm pathetic for feeling the way that I do. And most of all, they are constantly there. Even if they are sick of hearing all of my whining, bitching and complaining, they have NEVER let on about it. Instead, they continue to reach out to me. To validate my emotions. To tell me that yes, living this life would be depressing to just about anyone. They send me virtual hugs, make me laugh, and have no hesitations about calling out the dependasaurases in my life.

They encourage me. They show me all of the ways that I am awesome. They stand up for me. I don't expect them to go around telling people off for me. That would be unnecessary drama. However, they tell ME how they feel. They post their support on my blog for the world to see. As weird as it sounds, that shows me that they are  not ashamed of me. They aren't ashamed of my friendship. They value it and are ready to show the world just how much they care.

Because of them, and because of my wonderful husband and children, I managed to make it through this weekend without yelling. Without crying. In fact, I even laughed a couple of times. Little moments, where I can simply smile or chuckle a bit, are massive accomplishments in the fight with depression.

So to those 4 women, Vanessa, Amber, Wendy and Holli, thank you. Thank you for caring enough to threaten to call the cops if I don't talk it out. Thank you for standing up for me. Thank you for checking in on me. Thank you for never making me feel like a burden, even if it's the same shit different day for me yet again.

Because of people like you, I WILL get through all of this. I will manage to survive my time over here, I will win this battle. I am so grateful to have you guys in my life. You are wonderful people with huge hearts. Your love, caring, sarcasm, wit and charm will see me through until we can get out of here.

I also need to mention Anissa. She doesn't dwell on my depression. Instead, when we do get to talk, it's because she's telling me funny shit that happened in her day, or being witty, crass, etc. She's been my rock for nearly 4 years now.

As for here, there have been 4 girls right here in my life that I tend to lean on a bit too much. Alex, Vanessa A, Keara and Megan. I know I've been a bit quiet lately, and that I've backed off a bit from you guys. It's not because I have any issues with any of you. It's just because I've leaned on you all so much, I am trying to give you some space. I don't want to bring any of you down. I know you all have your own lives to live. But I do need to acknowledge how grateful I am for being there. For listening to my endless bitching and complaining. For including me in just the right amount of things. For not expecting a whole lot out of me right now. I know I've generalized a lot in some of my previous social networking posts about hating the people here. I didn't realize how that could come across to the four of you, and I am sorry for that. I do know how much you've been there. I'm just sorry that I can't be there more for you all right now.

So yeah. Today is a decent day. I'm looking out and seeing just how many people do care. It's not easy when you're as emotionally fucked up as I am right now. But for today, while I am clear enough in the head and in the heart to acknowledge the good people in my life, I felt that I needed to. Because I can't always tell them how much I appreciate them. I can't usually express what their friendship means to me.  But with all the bullshit they've all dealt with from me lately, the deserve to at least know that I do notice. That I do see how much they care.

Depression sucks. But I will get through it. I've got some pretty incredible people in my life, and I'm going to try really hard to focus on that. Instead of focusing on the negative. I know I won't be able to do that every single day. Sometimes the negative starts drowning me. But today I can. And hopefully tomorrow to. I had a pretty good weekend. Now, I'm aiming to have a pretty good week.

Thanks to you all who have been there. I'm just sorry that in my manic state, I couldn't acknowledge it before. If I'm leaning on you too much, please don't hesitate to tell me. I won't take it as you not wanting to be friends. I just know that I tend to lean on the same people over and over again and it can get to be a bit much for everyone.

Hugs and love. I appreciate you all more than you'll ever know.

*** Gawd damn it and beavers and shit! I forgot the other Meghan. Thanks Meghan E. Hugs and love to you!