Saturday, November 20, 2021

It's been too long....

 It's been a really long time since I've written anything. 

The words just stopped flowing at some point. I was full of anger and hurt. Nothing that I had to write was going to do anyone any good until I could step back and begin to heal again. 

I was being hurt by people that I thought were very close friends. It had a horrific affect on me. It triggered trauma responses in me that set me down a really dark road. I didn't even know that I a lot of my personality was a trauma response. 

I was in a really dark place for a very long time. I had no self esteem whatsoever. I hated everything about myself. I started restricting my caloric intake down to 500 calories a day because at 145 pounds, I thought that I was huge. I was having nightmares every single night that woke me up screaming. I started self harming. I didn't want to be hospitalized though, so I learned how to find socially acceptable forms of self mutilation. I lashed out, I hurt those around me. I hurt myself. 

It was scary. I genuinely wanted to die. Some days, I still do. But not nearly as often. And now, I know how to get through crisis mode. 

I'm ok now. Luckily, my husband stood by me through all of it.  A few very good friends absolutely refused to leave my side, no matter how awful I was. 

I'm hoping that at some point, the words come back. I know that this isn't my usual post, and I will try to post more of the positives soon. But for now, I'm still living life and avoiding the mop. 

Thursday, March 06, 2014

I'm such an asshole

I'm kind of an asshole. I've been sitting here in Arkansas feeling like I don't have many friends locally. I've been here a year and I've shut myself out because I'm afraid of losing people again. I did the same thing in England the first year that we were there. The second year was so much better because I had friends to get me through things.

It's not for a lack of people trying here. It's because at the first sign of any drama at all, I shut down and run. The drama doesn't even have to involve me. If they are having a hard time in their lives, I shut down. I run.

I've been burnt. I've been hurt. But if I let the hurts and disappointments rule my decisions, then I'm never going to be happy. I'm letting those that have hurt me win. I don't want to do that.

I know that people are trying. I can finally see that I've just pushed and pushed to keep them from hurting me.

I've got friends here. If I just open my eyes, I'll realize that I actually have a pretty full life here. Sure, there are some people that I'm more comfortable with than others, but I will never be whole if I don't let go of past transgressions.

There are some pretty amazing people here that I'm missing out on because I'm too stubborn to let others in.

That changes now. I refuse to be a hermit anymore. I refuse to let those that have hurt me win.

This is my life. And damn it, I plan to live it as fully and completely as I can. 

Saturday, December 07, 2013

Too long in between posts... again

     Wow... It's been forever since I've actually posted. Life is happening at a rate of several WTF's per minute here and I am never good at keeping up with this thing as it is.

     Let's see..

1. Still in Arkansas

2. Big is graduating two years early.

3. Senior year is EXPENSIVE! You would think that it wouldn't be, since we're homeschoolers, but it is. YIKES!

4. Little is growing like a weed, still.

5. We're in the process of trying to adopt.

6. Our adopted airman is deployed right now and that just sucks.

7. The stockings program was a flop this year. We were only able to provide 4 stockings.

8. I don't like most of the people here.

9. For once, I'm not caught up in any drama around me because I seriously only talk to like 2 people locally.

10. Did you know that there are still active chapters of the KKK? I didn't. I don't like it. It makes me sick to my stomach.

So yep, that's about it for now. I know, I know, I REALLY need to actually get in here and write on occasion. Sorry that this one is so boring.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

When September Ends...

I have that song, "Wake me up when September ends" stuck in my head right now. I know that the actual song is completely irrelevant to what September means for me. But that one line... Well, in encompasses everything that I am feeling right now.

Today is rough. I still have another 10 days before her birthday. So far, I've been keeping as busy as I could. I've shut down emotionally as much as possible. Still, it's not enough. It's never enough.

Each year, the pain creeps up slowly. The gut wrenching, heart searing pain that slices through my entire being. The harsh reminder of all that was lost. It's been too long. 10 years. You would think that after 10 years, it wouldn't hurt as bad. I wouldn't be sitting here battling to keep the tears from falling.

I think it's worse now than ever before. I've been here 7 months and I don't have any close friends. I have people that I can hang out with, and people that I can talk to socially. What I don't have is exactly what I need right now. That friend that will drop everything to come over and give me a hug because she realizes that it's September, and more than likely I am hurting. The friend that never makes me say it outloud. The friend that just KNOWS.

I've always had that. For the first time in my life, I don't. I don't have a shoulder to cry on. Sure, I can call people, but it's not the same.

I miss my baby girl. I miss feeling her kicking me. I miss the heartburn and the nausea. I miss her 10 perfect fingers and 10 perfect toes. I miss her dark curly hair and her cute little perfectly bowed lips.

I long for everything that I lost with her. All of the birthdays, all of the milestones. The pretty dresses and the hair bows. The skinned knees and the stubbornness. (I'm sure she would be stubborn).

I hate the fact that I lost a life time with her. I was only allowed to be her mother for 32 very short weeks. 10 years later and I still remember every single detail of my pregnancy with her. It's burned into my memory. I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse.

All I know is that it hurts. So please, wake me up when September ends......... 

Thursday, September 05, 2013

Mixed emotions

Most people who know me know that September is a very difficult month for me. September 19th is the anniversary of my daughters death. Gawds, I hate that word. "Anniversary". It should mean celebrating something happy. But what word do you use? What word fully describes the pain and torture that you feel as each September rolls by and your heart is wrenching over the loss of your beautiful little girl.

My daughter was stillborn at 32 weeks. It was heartbreaking. I've never gotten over it. Ever. You can read about it here.

So this month sucks. Big time. I'm always super emotional.

But this year, it's different too. This year, we have hope. See, we're in the process of trying to adopt a child from the foster care system. Yesterday, we got a phone call that we are able to start our adoption classes on September 21.

This means that we should be ready and approved for adoption by December at the latest. So I'm hopeful. Even once we're approved, it could take awhile for us to be placed. But that's ok. We're one step further into the process. These next 8-10 weeks will be hectic and crazy. I'm ok with that. I need a distraction.

So while I will forever mourn the loss of my beautiful daughter, for this year, for this moment, I have hope. Hope that I can be a good mother to a child that is stuck in the foster care system. Hope that I can bring as much joy to her life as she will bring to mine.

The pain will never go away. It's always there. But now, there's a little tiny spark of light this month. That's more than I could have ever asked for. 

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Beautiful Friendships

I have some of the most incredible friends in the world. Some I know personally, and some I only know online. But if I consider them a friend, there is a reason for it. 

See, I'm a little weird about friendships. I know if someone is going to become a true friend the moment that I meet them or first talk to them. We click. Instantly. THOSE people are the ones that I consider my friends. 

I can talk to someone every day for a year, hang out with them, etc and never consider them a friend. They are simply an acquaintance. Someone to shoot the shit with, hang out with, combat the boredom with. I'll talk to them about their lives, my life, etc. But I never let them get truly close. 

I guess the point that I truly consider someone a friend is when I am freaking out, having an emergency, etc and I know that no matter what time it is, I can call them and they will be there for me. 

I don't have a female my best. My one and only best friend is my husband. I know a lot of people say that, but I truly mean it. 

My one and only true friend here just moved away. And that sucks. But in all honesty, I know I'll be ok. Because even though my next closest friend is over 10 hours away, and the others between 12 hours or hell, an ocean away, I know that I'm fine. 

It's nights like tonight, when my friend called me from England and we spent 3 hours on the phone just shooting the shit that make everything perfectly ok. When we're laughing, and catching up, and dealing with all the drama that's happened in our lives. When we're hanging onto the phones for dear life, because we miss that connection more than anything. THOSE are the best moments. 

Those are the ones that let me know that even if no one here likes my bat shit crazy, I'm not alone. 

When I'm upset, I don't call anyone here. I call Holli in Indiana, or Amber in Florida. Or I get on Facebook or Twitter and reach out to my numerous friends around the world. 

Because my true friends know just what a crazy bitch I am. They know I'm offensive and rude. They know I'm blunt, honest, and that I talk entirely too much. But they love me for me. They know that I have a heart of gold and that I'll give the shirt off my back if someone needs it. They set boundaries for me when I'm being too giving to someone that is using me. And boy oh boy do I know when one of them is mad at me! lol 

But that's the thing about true friends, you can always be honest. Even if you fight, you know you're going to be ok. I have friends of different religions, different morales, different ethics, everything. But the one thing we all have in common is that we will call each other out on our bullshit. And we'll get over it. We respect each other's lives. We don't try to shape them, or change them. We love each other just the way we are, quirks and all. 

So yeah, it's a little lonely here at times. But, I'm going to be just fine. Because I have some of the most incredible friends a girl could ever ask for. And that.... Well... that's better than gold. 

Monday, May 27, 2013

Do not thank me today, I am not a hero.

Today is not about me. It's not about those of us who served our country who still have our lives. Today is a day to remember those who never came home. Those who gave their lives for our country. Those who are still missing.

Today is not a day for bbq's and parties. Today is a day to reflect on the lives that are lost so that we can continue to enjoy the freedoms that we have.

Please, do not thank a veteran today. Today is about our fallen comrades. Their families. Today is for the true heroes. Those who went to war and never came back. Remember them. The sacrifices that they made. Their families who spend today at their graves, crying for everything that could have been but isn't.

I am not a hero. I do not need to be thanked. When you thank a soldier today, you are losing sight of what today is really about. Please, I'm begging you. Remember the lives that have been lost. Today, I remember.

Please please remember the true reason for today. It's not for bbq's and parties. It's a time to reflect, to mourn, to honor those who have fallen.

Click here to find those who have given their lives

Today, I can only humbly show my gratitude to those TRUE American heroes.

In my home, we will have a moment of silence today to honor those whose lives have been lost. Please consider doing the same in your home.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Random thoughts

Life is a bittersweet walk along a path riddled with thorns.

It's like looking for blackberries. You know that those berries are pure deliciousness. Yet, in order to get to those berries, you have to battle the thorns. The spiny, spiky, painful little asshats that dig into your skin, ripping into your flesh, leaving their lasting mark on you. Any sensible person would leave them alone. They would just go to the grocery store and buy them. Yet some of us, well, we're not quite so sensible. We endure the pain, welcome it, revel in it because we know without a doubt that the sweet juice from those berries is the best in the world. There is nothing else like it. 

That's what life has been like for me. Searching for blackberries through the thorns. 

I tried to talk about my past in my previous post, but a good friend of mine pointed out that I am still holding back. I'm still sugar coating my life for everyone around me. I guess I'm afraid of hurting those that love me. It's one thing to see it on the news. Even then, it still hurts. An innocent child beaten, starved, living in horrific conditions. To live it though? Well..... That's a horror story that even Stephen King wouldn't be able to articulate properly.

Very recently, I visited a dear friend. This is someone that I love, cherish, and value in my life. Unfortunately, I am left revisiting the horrors of my childhood because of that visit. Her home was in a condition that brought back all of those painful memories. Wounds that were just beginning to heal again were ripped open to reveal a raw, festering sore.

So I'm trudging through the blackberry patch again. My heart aches for her children, for her. At one point in her life, she was a good mother. One that I respected. Now, as much as I love her, I can't help but equate her with my own egg donor. It sickens me the type of person that she has become. I'm torn. I know the person that she was. I know the person that she is capable of being. Yet, I see the conditions that her children are living in and I'm mad. I'm furious with her for not loving them more. For not caring about them enough to clean her house.

As much as I once loved her, I am now equally disgusted by her. And by myself. While I spoke up and told her that her house was deplorable, I did nothing more than leave. I haven't ended the friendship. Why not? What keeps me holding on?

I swear, I punish myself sometimes. I could very easily have ended the friendship. Told her that I wanted nothing more to do with someone who would allow their children to live like that. But I didn't.

So I'm trudging through thorns, beating myself up. Why oh why can't I just go to the damned store for my berries like any sane, normal person would do? 

Saturday, May 25, 2013

If being gay were a choice, all women would be lesbians......

Today, a very dear friend posted this status on Facebook:
Just had a very nice knock on the front door. Didn't know the lady but she introduced herself and said she's thought about stopping for a while. Leeh thanked us for flying our Rainbow Flag in the small little country town of Austin/Ward that we live in. Leeh has a gay son and it just makes her day to see acceptance. I'll take the positive reinforcement any day over the very very very few that have hollered slurs when they drive by. She put a smile on my face today.

Love is Love.
Love to all.
 — with Wayne Tedford.

It is with his permission that I included it here. (What the hell is wrong with the font now that I've copied and pasted his status? So weird)

Anyways, his status got me thinking about all of the members of the LGBT community that struggle for acceptance. Yes, I know I've written about this topic before. But it breaks my heart and I want to touch on it again. 

As a bi-sexual female in a straight marriage, I deal with enough of the judgements. I've lost friends because of it. People who have known me for years suddenly start acting differently around me once they find out I'm attracted to females. It's rough. I'd had friends that suddenly think it's creepy to change in the same room with me, or ones that take every single joking comment and twist it into me hitting on them. 

I've had family members tell me that I'm going to hell for my choices. I had one family member even try to pray the gay out of me. 

It doesn't work that way guys. First of all, you can't pray away the gay. It's not a choice. It's also not a sin, or something to be ashamed of. 

Second of all, as a straight person, do you find every other straight person attractive? No. Obviously not. So what in the hell makes you think that I will find you attractive? Trust me, I probably don't. I have taste. I am picky about the women that I find sexy. When I did date females, I dated some seriously hot ones with amazing personalities. I do not want you like that. I just want to remain friends. Actually, no. I don't. If you have a problem or an issue with gays, I want nothing to do with you. Basically, because you suck. And I don't like sucky people. 

I am a fairy flirt. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the gay community. After living a life where they have been judged, humiliated, bullied, harassed, etc, most people in the gay community are accepting, understanding, loving people. People who try to never ever judge someone based on what others may consider a character flaw. They are open, honest, and quite simply, amazing. 

Darren reminded me today that being true to ourselves really can make a difference in someone's lives. Even if we don't know them. Being ourselves can show others support even when we're too blind to see the differences that we are making. 

So no matter who you are, or what you stand for, STAND UP for it. Hold your head high. Be proud of who you are. Don't be afraid to be a voice. There is always someone listening. That teenage kid ready to kill himself because he feels dirty or wrong for his thoughts and desires.... That mixed couple down the street that are still being judged in this day and age..... The single mother struggling to raise her kids right.... 

Everyone needs someone to lean on, to support them, to show encouragement and strength when they are just too weak to take on the world by themselves. 

Don't ever be ashamed of who you are or what you believe in. And always, always, stand up for someone if you see them being bullied or harassed. You never know... that one time could be the time that either makes or breaks them. You have a voice. Use it. Not to harm but to help. 

Darren, thank you for reminding me how something as simple as a flag can make such a massive difference in one person's life. 

Hugs love and glittery kisses,


Saturday, April 20, 2013

We need a little magic

I want my children to grow up in a world where there is still magic. In a world where there is still good.  I want them to believe in the power of their imaginations. I want them to see the good in life. I do everything that I can to protect them from the harsh realities of life, while not allowing them to be completely naive.

So my youngest still believes in the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and Santa Clause. He still believes in all people being equal. My kids see color differently than I ever would have imagined. I still remember the first time my son realized that people aren't one size fits all. We were in the middle of the store and he says "Mommy, why is that man chocolate?" I wanted to cry at his innocence. It was so sweet, so endearing. The gentleman heard him and looked at me to see how I was going to respond. I simply told my son "Well, you know how you love vanilla ice cream, but it goes so much better with chocolate? Well, that's how people are. There are thousands of flavors out there, and if we only had one, it would be dull and boring, so we have many and we love them all" That old man asked me if he could give me a hug. He had just had someone else recently say something extremely derogatory to him about his race and he said that my son's question and my response restored his faith in humanity.

Right now, I need my faith in humanity restored. There is so much going wrong in our country right now. There's so much hurt, anger and bitterness. We are being quick to judge, to lash out, to accuse. We're driven by a basic human instinct to place blame.

It saddens me. While my heart is broken by the way things are going, by the shootings, the bombings, the babies being killed, it is being ripped apart by our reaction to it.

Instead of doing everything that we can to help those affected by the tragedies, we are sitting in our safe homes, condemning someone who has yet to go to trial. We are negating all decent human emotion and sticking to the one that makes us feel empowered. We're holding on to anger. To hate.

What happened is horrifying. Every innocent life lost is a tragedy. But every loss is also a chance for us to show how good we can truly be. Do you think that the hatred is helping the families that are experiencing loss? I don't.

I believe that our help, our sympathy for them will be what truly helps them. Fundraising, donating blood, giving clothes, toys, furniture, etc to those affected by all of these tragedies would be a way to truly help the victims of ALL of these crisis that we are facing right now.

I've lost a child. Maybe not in the way that any of these families have, but I have lost a child. Hatred and anger would not have helped. Someone showing kindness would have. Why are we not sending cards? Why are we not sending flowers? Why are we not rallying together to raise money for the families for funerals, or medical expenses? What about their living expenses?

I know that when I lost my daughter, work was the last thing on my mind. Paying the bills didn't matter. But I also know that creditors and bill collectors don't care about your tragedies. They want their money. So why are we not all working towards that? Towards helping these people keep what little they have?

Between the bombings, the fertilizer plant exploding, the shootings, the stabbings, the robberies, etc, why are we sitting on our asses judging? We could be doing so much more. We could be showing these families the magical power of coming together. We could show each of these families that their loved ones mattered. Not by raising our voices in anger. But in putting our hearts out there. By using our fear to do some good.

I'm not able to do much, but I am going to help. So for today, I'm going through our clothes and our cabinets and I am giving what I can. I'd love to donate blood, but I am unable to because of my medical history. So I'm doing what I can to be there for those families. It's not much, but it's not hate. It's a small act of kindness and of love.

Hate doesn't heal. But love? Love has the power to be magical. To heal broken hearts and broken homes. To provide peace in a chaotic and crisis situation.

I can't change the world. But my children and I can make a difference in at least one life. So that's what we're going to do. Instead of hate, we're going to love. Instead of condemnation, we're going to believe in our country and in our justice system. We're going to believe that sometimes, the good guys get it right. We're going to help. Not hurt. Not hinder.

We are going to do everything that we can to help those suffering to heal.

Because we all have a little bit of magic in us. We are choosing to share ours with those who may not be able to find theirs right now. Please, please, share yours.

I still believe

Why is it so wrong to have faith in our government? In our judicial system? In our laws? Why is it that I'm the idiot, the asshole, the stupid one for still believing in my country?

Yes, people have made mistakes. Yes, there have been some innocent people convicted and some guilty people set free. I get that. By no means to I believe that our country is flawless. But overall, I do believe that we have a good country and that we can be incredible.

So while many in the world are breathing a sigh of relief that the second bomber has been caught, I am still stuck on the word "Suspect". Until he is found guilty in a court of law, I will have doubts. Shortly before these two were named suspects, four very innocent people had the finger pointed at them.

So no, I'm not going to say it's all wrapped up nice and tidy. We still have evidence to collect, a trial to conduct, etc. Of course, there will be a change in jurisdiction. There is no way that this man can get a fair trial in Boston.

I'm not saying he's innocent. I'm not saying I'm on his side. What I am saying is that I refuse to find a man guilty without the process. I refuse to believe it's over. I refuse to sit back and think it's all over.

It's definitely not. There are broken hearts and broken homes all over the place now. Two people, whoever they may be, chose to take the lives of others. Chose to force people to live in fear. To run for safety, to have an innocent day turn into a horrific memory.

What I am saying is this: I will not condemn a man without him having a fair trial. I will not try a man in the media. I will wait for the court evidence to back it, I will wait for a conviction.

I still believe in my country. I still believe in "Innocent until proven guilty". I still believe in fair trials, and all of that. Am I an idiot? Maybe. But I will not give up on my country. Not now. Not yet.

But if he is guilty? If he's the one who has done all of this? Then stick a bomb up his ass and blow the living shit out of the fucker.

Monday, April 08, 2013

The stuff nightmares are made of

Everyone keeps telling me that I should write a book about my childhood. Unfortunately, I'm neither that eloquent, nor willing to dig quite that deep into those memories.

However, this past week, I was forced to face those memories head on. It wasn't easy. I had to rely very heavily on my friends and my wonderful husband and children to get through it.

I grew up in a living hell. I've talked about my past before but I never realized just how detached I was from it all until I had to face it again. I've talked about living in a shack. I've talked about how filthy and disgusting the house was. I've tried to describe the living conditions, the horrors, the nightmares.

And I've failed. I know that I've failed because even I was shocked when I finally went back to my childhood home for the first time in years. I've talked to several of the adults that were in my life at the time to make sure that the house was actually that bad when I lived there. They've assured me that it was.

So now, I'm angry. I'm beyond pissed. It was one thing to live there as a child. I knew it was horrid even then. But to go back to that place as a mother? To see the living conditions that no less than 9 adults in my life at the time were not only aware of, but that turned their backs and allowed me to stay there pisses me off in a way that I can't even begin to describe.

How could anyone allow a child to live in those conditions? How could they think it was even remotely ok? They wouldn't live there. They refused to. It was just me and my grandmother in a shack on the hill while the rest of my family lived across the highway in an actual house. One where the floorboards weren't falling out and the roof wasn't caving in. They had a house that wasn't crawling with bugs and who knows what other infestations. The conditions that they forced me to live in are appalling. They refused to live there. So the burning question remains, why me? Why did my own mother hate me so much from birth that she sent me to this nightmare?

I'll never have the answers. There is no explanation that makes her actions, their actions, ok. The adults in my life failed me. For the first time ever, I can truly see that.

I'm hurting right now. I've bottled up and repressed so much through the years that the reality of it slapped me in the face this week.

I've always hidden the harsh realities of my life. I've talked about my life, but in a cold and calculated way. I didn't know how to express or describe the brutality, the horrors, the pain.

I am tired of hiding. A picture is worth a thousand words is what they say. So here's my story. Here's my life. The first 9 years of it anyways. This was only the beginning of the nightmares that I endured growing up. But this is where I came from. It's also where I will make damned sure that my own children will never ever end up.

I can't change the world. All I can do is beg of you.. If you even think that a child might be abused, neglected, etc, please please err on the side of caution and report it. It's amazing to me how many people knew the conditions that I was living in and they all turned a blind eye. No one helped me. Please please help a child if you can. No one deserves the life that I lived and you can make a difference.

Tuesday, April 02, 2013

Gaining perspective

I get so frustrated sometimes. With life, with people, with everything. Then days like today happen. There wasn't anything major. I guess I just took a step back and realized how good I have it right now. Will that stop me from complaining ever again? No. Probably not. But things are definitely a bit more in perspective today than they have been in awhile. 

You see, I'm the girl that was never supposed to go anywhere in life. Everyone had given up on me at an early age. I came from a broken home. Really broken. I was severely abused and as most people know, the cycle is hard to break. 

So I guess since no one else really expected me to do anything with my life, I didn't expect me to either.  How could I, this broken girl, ever make a difference? How would I ever truly be happy? I mean, I was supposed to die. You have no idea how many times I went to the Dr and they told me that I wasn't going to live another year. I was never supposed to be anything good or decent. According to everyone, I was a lost cause. 

I never learned how to dream. I didn't make a lot of plans for the future. There was no reason to. My goals were small, but attainable. I didn't take my first two marriages seriously. I mean, who cared? They were going to leave me just like everyone else in my life had.  And when things went bad, I could walk away knowing that I was right all along. All I wanted out of life was to be able to take care of my kids. That was it. Nothing more. 

I never expected to be loved. To love. To dream. To make a difference in anyone's life. Those things were for people who deserved it. Those things happened to good people. Not to people like me. I never felt worthy of those things. I was a nobody to everybody. 

Today I realized that I've turned out pretty well despite the odds. I know that I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but you know what? I'm ok with that. Yes, it still hurts a bit if someone doesn't like me. I guess it's that rejected little foster kid surfacing on occasion. But I'm learning not to take it to heart as much as I used to. 

I speak my mind. I get hurt if others speak theirs to me. Yes, pot meet kettle. I know. I can dish it out but I can't take it. I'm learning. I'm learning to filter things at times. I'm learning that words can be worse than fists. I'm learning who I am. For years, I've been the person that others wanted me to be, expected me to be, or told me to be. For the first time in my life, I'm finding me. 

I have to thank my husband. You see, he's the first person in my entire life to absolutely love me unconditionally and without judging me. He sees something in me that no one else ever took the time too. 

I'm not perfect. He's not either. But he loves me, flaws and all. He pushes me to dream. To dream big. He wants me to want that big house, the white picket fence, the whole shebang. He pushes me to do whatever it is that I want in life. 

I'm still learning who I am. But for the first time ever, I can honestly say that I am head over heels in love. I can tell you that I am happy. Extremely happy. I'm also lucky. My life is good. I honestly shouldn't be complaining about anything, because in the grand scheme of things, my life is fantastic. I know this. 

So my goal for now is to stop being such a whiny little bitch. I have the best husband a girl could ask for. He encourages me, pushes me to reach for the stars, and when I'm afraid, he's there to hold my hand and walk me through the fear until I am able to stand on my own two feet again. 

Maybe my life is too simple for some. Maybe it's not ideal for everyone. But for me, it's perfect. I really need to learn to focus on the good instead of whining when things seem just a bit rough. Because honestly, I've got absolutely nothing legitimate to complain about. 

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

My proposed budget cuts

Here's my proposed budget cuts. ALL of these apply to stateside bases/personel ONLY so if you are overseas, do NOT jump my ass thinking that I am referring you in this. I know how crazy expensive/hard it is over there. So no, these don't include you.

Stateside: Get rid of the commissaries. It's cheaper to shop off base most of the time anyways. And believe it or not, we do in fact make enough to do our grocery shopping off base.

Get rid of the BX. We don't need it. Plain and simple.

Start making dependents pay to use the gyms on base. Active duty should be free since they are required to maintain a certain level of fitness. But dependents should pay at least a small stipend to utilize that service.

Have us pay for a small portion of our health care. Too many people abuse the system and it's costing us all. Could you afford that 12th kid if you were a civilian? No? Then you probably shouldn't be having it.

Stop allowing CDC care to be used by stay at home moms. It should be for single parents and families where BOTH of the parents work. That's it. You shouldn't get full time child care for $80 a week because you child is an inconvenience in your life.

However, leave active duty and vets alone. Do not cut their tuition assistance, their medical, etc. They deserve the little bit that they get extra.

The budget cuts HAVE to come from somewhere. Do I think that military should be solely targeted? Hell no. But EVERYONE should have to give a bit.

Welfare should have much stricter limits. If you're already on welfare and you get knocked up again, you should lose your benefits. Since you obviously can't even afford the ones you already have.

 You should only be allowed to be on welfare for 2 years. MAXIMUM. I know entirely too many people that refuse to get jobs because welfare pays them so well.

Survivors benefits for SPOUSES only should be limited to 2 years. My own grandmother refused to remarry to the man that she was living with because she would lose her survivor benefits that she got after my grandfather died. It was bullshit. She knew I didn't like it, but it's also extremely common.

So there. Bitch, moan, complain, etc. But we all have to work together to get our country back on track. ALL OF US.

Friday, March 08, 2013


*Disclaimer* As of this moment, I am to no longer be referred to as a military spouse. I did not marry the military. I married my husband. I am a wife. I am a civilian. I am a blunt, rude, honest, ego maniacal asshole. I will no longer be involved in anything that deals with the military. I will not help with bake sales, Christmas parties, fundraisers. I will no longer be providing stockings for the airmen. I will not attend ANY military functions unless specifically asked to by my husband. I will not conform to any standard that the military thinks I should conform to. I will NOT give of my time, my energy, myself for the military. I am taking back my dignity, my potty mouth, my love for life. Since I am no longer a "military spouse" you will have to deal with me directly like the big girls in the real world do if you have an issue with me. Contacting my husband's command to tattle tell on me will no longer be a viable option, since they will not have any idea who I am anymore. Nor will you know who his command is. Because when I am asked from here on out what my husband does, my response will simply be "Me".

Little Rock, Meet Bird

Well, we finally arrived.

The trip wasn't to bad at all. The jet lag combined with us all being sick has been a bit more difficult to adjust to than we were expecting, but meh, fuck it.

I'm in hillbilly hell. But that's ok. Cause see, there's something these people will soon realize about me. I can spread my awesome sauce a hell of a lot further than they can spread manure. So I'm golden.

I'm staying true to myself. Of course, that means being a bit bitchy to start with. It's just a matter of making sure people know that this time, I am NOT going to be walked all over. I will not enable anyone this time around. I'm not helping anyone that isn't willing to help themselves.

I realized while talking to K today that I don't NEED friends. Yes, it's nice to have some locally, but I have plenty. So I am making choices about who I do and do not allow in my life. First sign of the bullshit drama that I was dealing with before and they are gone. I'm not doing it again.

So anyways, lots of changes here. I can shop in stores for just about anything that I want, but I still catch myself automatically going to Amazon. It's just so much more convenient than going and LOOKING for stuff.

I'm definitely enjoying the food. Can't beat that!

Already planned a trip to St Louis this spring, Florida this summer, and Vegas later in the summer. I'm excited about seeing loved ones.

So anyways, we have a car, have a house, I've met some cool people and I haven't killed anyone yet. That wraps it up for today. =D

Sunday, February 17, 2013


So, the movers are coming tomorrow! Yikes! We will be staying in the hotel starting on Tuesday. Then we leave the country on the morning of the 28th!!

Holy smokes! Less than a month from the time we got orders until the time we leave to pull off an international move. We're pretty much ready though. Just gathering the last of the electronics and toiletries that we don't want the movers to take and then we're off!

Crazy isn't it? Starting life all over again somewhere else.

This time, it will be in Little Rock, AR.

I'm a bit nervous. I always am when it comes to meeting new people. I worry about being judged. I don't know why. I used to never be this way. Hopefully I can get over that soon. My new policy in life is to "Be the girl I was before the world told me who I needed to become". I miss that girl. I was pretty freaking awesome.

So yeah, that's the update. 11 more days until we are back in the States. Hoping to meet up with a few people from my social networks, but it seems as if most people aren't very close to where we're going. Which saddens me. Cause I love my social networking groups.

Anyways, off to do more packing. Hugs and love!

Thursday, February 07, 2013

It's the military way of life

As I sit down for the first time today and really just breathe for a moment, I can't help but look back at today with a bit of pride. As some of you may know, we are going back to the States. What hasn't been made total common knowledge is that I have only 3 weeks to plan and do an international/overseas move.

I'm shocked at how much I've already accomplished. I have felt overwhelmed, stressed, annoyed, etc. I didn't feel like I was getting much of anything done. But when I finally sat down today, I realized that I've done a lot.

Just today alone, I've dropped off a car load of donations. Then waited around for 2 freaking hours for someone who was supposed to pick items up and kept texting me to tell me that she was on her way. UGH. I used that time to take care of some tasks that needed to be done. Such as checking our P.O. Box, chatting with the cell company about turning off our service, etc.

Once I was done there, it was off to a nearby village where I delivered another item to a friend that had FINALLY come in the mail. Then went and met with another friend who owed hubby money and collected that. Then off to pick up a pair of shoes from a friend who graciously gave them to me. After that, I had to run to the next town over to pick up packing paper.

Then and only then, did I get to come home. Where I managed to go through my husband's closet, do a pre-inspection with the cleaners, give Aphrodite's new owners her travel kennel and a few toys that we missed. Then secured us a new home, also getting the landlord to agree to purchase a washer, dryer and fridge before we arrive. Oh, and I think I found a job too. Then I cooked dinner for my kids, set up a potential family for Athena, confirmed the potential foster family meeting in the morning just in case no one takes her.

In between all of this, I managed to have lunch with my husband and kids, and do two loads of laundry.

And the funny thing about all of this is, I can just sit back and say "Yep, this the life of the military wife."

Thursday, January 31, 2013

All of the butt hurt is mine

I've experienced a level of hurt that I didn't know was possible. For the past 2 years, I have thought someone was my friend. I've gone out of my way to be there for her. It was one sob story after another and like a fool, I fell for it hook, line and sinker.

This woman has finangled anything and everything that she could out of me. I've helped her for two years in a row to provide Christmas for her children because she gave me sob stories about how her husband had spent all of their money and she couldn't. I've given her food out of my own cupboards, and even had another friend help out with providing her food.

But what gets me the most is that in September, we gave her a car. She was supposed to be buying it from us, but I kept hearing all about their financial woes, so my husband and I decided to be kind and give them the car.

In the past 2 days, I have found out that for well over a year, she has been going behind my back and smearing my name to others. She not only threw me under the bus but several others too. All this time, pretending to be a close friend and confidant.

Yesterday, she took all of her so called problems with me to my husband's command. She made me look like a complete asshole, while conveniently leaving out her part of it all.

I feel like such a jerk. It's come out that she's been trash talking me forever, and yet she had me so fooled, I gave her a car. That hurts. To know that I was used that much really hurts. It hurts in ways I didn't know a friend could hurt you.

She's lied about me, turned others who I could have been great friends with against me before they even got a chance to know me, etc. This is upsetting. It hurts to the very core to know that she hated me that much and yet never let on about it to me.

I feel betrayed in the worst way possible. And the crappy thing is, I can't do a damned thing about it except make a blog post about how butt hurt I am.

Monday, December 31, 2012

What's 2013 got in store for me?

I remember sitting at home exactly a year ago trying to come up with some New Year's resolutions. I can't remember what all I said I would attempt to accomplish, but knowing me, it probably wasn't all that much. I'm too lazy to make huge goals for myself. =P

As I sit here tonight though, I can't help but reflect on this past year. It's been a rough one for my family and for so many of the people that I know and love. All for various reasons, but affecting each of us in our own ways.

I won't recap the entire year. If you read this blog, then you are well aware of some of the issues that have plagued my family over the last 12 months.

I've seen a lot of growth in the face of adversity this year though too.

First and foremost is my son. At 15, he has stood up to peer pressure in a way a lot of kids his age wouldn't have been able to do. He was brutally assaulted because of it and yet, he still stands strong. He hasn't changed who he is. He hasn't changed his beliefs, his morals, his compassion for others. He has shown me just how much he trusts his father and I. He opened up and told us his darkest secrets, trusting us to be there for him and to nurture him. He reached out to us and allowed us to guide him until he was strong enough to stand on his own a little more again. He's still hurting, but he is such a strong young man and I couldn't possibly be prouder of him. As a mother, I know that even though he has been hurting, he will conquer the hurt and the pain. He will fall when he needs to, and he will brush himself off and stand up tall and proud again. I have so much respect for him. He is a wonderful man child and I love just watching him grow.

I've formed and lost a lot of friendships this year. It's been rough. Really rough. Yet, through it all, my true friends have shown themselves in ways that I never imagined. There were people in my life who kicked me when I was down. While battling depression, they treated me horribly. It hurt. A lot. However, these other incredible, often overlooked, people came forward and really pulled me through the worst of my depression. I have some of the most incredible people in my life and I am so grateful for them. I'm pickier about my friendships now. Who I let in and who I don't. I have found my voice and no longer hesitate to tell others how I truly feel. Because of these friends who have been there, I am stronger. I no longer settle for good enough. I know who my true friends are, and they are the sort of friends that will stick around well into old age. No one keeps score, no one owes the other anything. We are just there for each other. I can't think of a better kind of friend to have. They are the kind that becomes family.

My husband and I are closer than ever. With everything that we've dealt with, we could have chosen to take it all out on each other. I'm not going to lie and try to pretend that we never have. There have been times in the past year where we've gotten pretty crabby with each other over something that neither of us could control. However, we've learned to really open up and communicate with each other. We talk about everything now. And as much as I hate to admit it, I've even started listening to some of his advice. He's a very smart man, and it would do me good to listen when he speaks on occasion. I'm learning. We hold each other accountable now. We have opened up and we talk so much easier than we ever have before. We've learned lessons and grown closer through the adversity that has happened in our lives. He is truly my very best friend in the world and I love him more and more every single day.

Emotionally, mentally, physically... Our family has grown. We've always been close, but now, it's different. It's stronger. There is a bond there that doesn't come from blood, DNA or vows. It comes from truly loving each other and putting in an effort each and every day to be there for each other. We are our own force against the world when we need to be. Together, we are unstoppable.

I don't know what 2013 has in store for me and my family. What I do know is that no matter what it brings, we will make it though. We will still laugh, and hold each other. We'll still surprise each other with little gifts just because. I'll learn new recipes because my husband or kids mention something that they like. We'll likely pick up and move at some point this year. We'll say goodbyes and hellos. We'll grow and change and adapt. But most of all, we'll love. Because that's what we do here. We love each other and we do so much more than just get through the bad times. We survive those and give our all to living a life that we can all share and enjoy together.

So bring it on 2013! This family is ready for you! 

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Sick of the judgements

I was reading a blog post on Sunday written by a mother who can identify with Adam Lanza's mother and some of her struggles. You can see her post here. Reading ONLY that post, I identified with the mother just a little bit.

I do feel that there is a stigma attached to anyone with a mental health issue. Our own family is struggling with the lack of mental health care that is out there. After my son was brutally assaulted, he became suicidal. It's been a living nightmare for us all. The lack of help for a 15 year old boy with suicidal ideation is concerning.

When he first told me that he was having suicidal thoughts, I rushed him to the emergency room. We were then given a referral to mental health. I called the very next day to make an appointment, but they couldn't see him for 3 weeks. They gave me no guidance as to how to get him through those 3 weeks alive. There was NOTHING at all. No support, no help, nothing. Just an appointment 3 weeks into the future. I wasn't even sure that my son would be alive in 3 weeks.

I had to fight tooth and nail and raise all kinds of hell to get him seen before that. I needed to know how to keep my child alive, how to get him through until his appointment. It took a lot of yelling, screaming, crying, and guilt trips before they agreed to see him sooner than that.

It's not easy accessing mental health care. Sure, it's out there. But it is not always readily accessible. The professionals that you see aren't always all that great either. My son has been diagnosed with severe PTSD. The doctors suggestion? Lock him away in a residential treatment facility. I grew up in one of them. It's nothing but a glorified orphanage. I'm not sending my son away during the time that he needs the most support. They don't monitor the kids well enough there. They medicate them instead of properly teaching them coping mechanisms. The therapy is a joke. It's so easy to just tell them what they want to hear so that you can get out and go home. My son needs real care. Not to be shipped off somewhere where he knows no one at all and feels like his own family doesn't even want him.

I know how difficult it is to acknowledge that your child has any sort of mental health issue. I also know that people treat both you and your child differently once they find out there is something going on there.

It's not the same as a physical disability. A physical one would almost be easier to handle I think. People can see the limitations. People can see exactly what is wrong. With mental health, they always assume the worst. Not just of your child, but of you too. I've been accused of being a shitty parent over this. Since my son is suicidal, it MUST be because I didn't love him enough. BULLSHIT.

This woman made a very hard comparison. I'm sure it wasn't easy for her to admit that her own child could very well turn out the way that Adam Lanza did. I don't think that about my son at all, but I know how difficult it must have been for her to acknowledge her fear to the world.

Instead, she was attacked. This woman here took parts of the original blog and tore it apart, bit by bit. I don't even have to read all of the original content to know that the second woman attacked, fiercely. It's hard as hell to admit that you child could potentially be a threat to society. It's got to be even harder to have someone tear you apart, sentence by sentence.

I personally believe that the OP was simply trying to point out the difficulties of having a mentally ill child in this world. I think it took a lot of guts for her to admit what she did. She was begging for a change in mental health care and she was essentially ripped a new asshole.

We do need changes in mental health care. If our solution to a child with suicidal ideation is to lock them away, then yes, there need to be changes. If a mother can reach out and beg for help and not get it, then yes, there need to be changes.

And when a concerned, overwhelmed, scared mother makes a very very difficult comparison and is attacked for it, then yes, there need to be changes.

Our society sucks. We're so busy pointing fingers and accusing others of doing wrong, we don't bother to see when they do right. Or when they are asking, no begging, for help.

I'm not going to read either of their other posts. I don't need to see more than I already have. As a mother, I am scared shitless to even post this. Because I'm afraid of being judged. I'm afraid of being told that I'm a horrible mother because my son struggles to get past the assault.

I shouldn't be scared. I should be able to raise awareness, to discuss my families struggles. Just as the OP should have been able to do in her own post. Without the backlash that she received.

We need changes. And anyone who is brave enough to speak up about it should not be attacked. We need changes in mental health care, we need changes in gun control. We need a whole lot of changes in our world that aren't happening. But mostly, we need to change the way we react to people when they reach out and admit the darkest moments of their lives. 

2012 All wrapped up and ready to end

My wonderful friend, Wendy, made a blog post today here that really got me thinking about this past year. She's one of the most incredible women I know and it got me really pondering how things have really been for me this last year. The good, the bad, and the ugliest of ugly.

This year has been a nightmare in so many ways.

In January, my husband's grandfather passed away. The kids and I were lucky enough to have finally met him the previous November. He was a wonderful man who cherished the time that he had with his family. He accepted me and my children openly and showered us with a love that has not been typical in my life.  My husband has wonderful stories from his childhood and some of his favorite memories revolved around time that he spent with his grandfather. Getting my husband through that time was extremely difficult. We lost a truly incredible man and we will always remember him fondly in our hearts.

My husband was gone quite a bit this year. Compared to many in the military, it wasn't all that much, but for us, it was a lot. He's never been away as much as he was this year and it was a very difficult adjustment for our family to make. For the first half of the year, when he was here, he was still working extremely long hours, so we weren't getting time with him even when he was around. He was also on mid shift for the longest time, which in all honesty, sucked. I handled it the best that I could, but it wasn't easy. I just kept telling myself that I would much rather have him on mids than someone who had little ones in the house. He's finally on a much better shift and I am forever grateful for that.

I've had a lot of issues with friendships this year. I've had people who I thought were wonderful people turn their backs on me when I needed them the most. I had someone do her best to completely ruin my other friendships. I had someone who claimed to be my best friend over here turn her back on me at the drop of a dime. There have been several people that I've fallen out with this year and it's been very very difficult to handle. I'm just glad that I have the friendships that I do now and that those people judge me based only on how I treat them, and not on what others have accused me of.

My son was assaulted. I've posted about that on here previously, so anyone who reads this is already well aware of that situation. We are still dealing with the aftermath of that assault and it sucks. Royally. My son is struggling so much right now because of it and it is affecting the entire family.

My husband's aunt has been ill. So have his cousin and her poor children. Both are incredible women with so much life in them. Knowing that they are sick or hurting is heart wrenching.

There was a lot of bad this year. More than I can put into one post. I've been depressed, my kids have been depressed, the whole nine yards. But there has been a lot of good too. And I need to make sure that I acknowledge that.

Losing Adam's grandfather 14 months after I lost my own grandmother has taught me to cherish family. Considering that I've never really had a family to cherish before, this was a big deal to me. I don't take anyone for granted anymore. I know that I could lose them with a moments notice, so I try my hardest to make sure they know that we love them. Having his aunt and his cousin struggling with their own illnesses has me a bit worried, but I try to make sure that I have more consistent contact with them. Both are wonderful women and I hope to have them in my life for many years to come.

My husband being gone so much showed me just how strong I really am. I know that I am perfectly capable of taking care of my family. I know without a doubt that I am married to him because I want to be, not because I need him. I've been codependent before and it scares the hell out of me. I never want to be that person again, and I know now that I won't be.

Him being gone so much has forced us to really learn how to openly communicate with each other. We talk more now than we ever have before. We've also learned how to fight differently. We are learning how to discuss issues together, rather than just start screaming at each other! We make more of our decisions together, we back each other up with the kids, and we are trying our best to always fight fair. It's not always easy, but we are definitely stronger than ever before. I've always had a good marriage, but now, it's even better. There are no subjects that we can't discuss. Hell, recently, we've even talked openly with each other about some of our previous relationships. That wasn't something either of us was fully comfortable with doing before. A lot of that was my fault, as I was a bit bat shit crazy jealous whenever he talked about his ex. I've come to realize that he chose me. He wanted me. I'm no longer jealous and it's nice to be able to talk openly with him now.

The difficulties that I've had with my friendships have only made my other friendships stronger. I have some truly wonderful people in my life and I am incredibly happy to have them around. I may not have nearly the amount of friends that I once thought I had, but I have the most wonderful friends in the world. I cherish each of them more than I ever did before. We support each other through the good and the bad. None of my friends now would ever tuck tail and run over stupid shit. They are a big part of my success in battling my depression.

I can't say much good about my son being assaulted, but I will try to find something positive in this experience. I know that my son will stand up and do the right thing. I know that he is not likely to give into peer pressure. I know that he is not afraid to face his fears. I know that he will be open and honest with me about his emotions, even if it's difficult for him to do. He showed me an inner strength that I did not know he possessed. He's an incredible young man and I will do my best to make sure that he heals from this horrible experience.

This year may have sucked, but I am going to end it looking at all the good that's come out of these trying times. My husband is truly my best friend. My kids and I are closer than ever. My friends are of the greatest quality now. I expect better from the people in my life and I am not settling for anything less.

It's not always easy being me. But damn it, I've got a great life. Things can only get better from here. 

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Finally! Some good things happening

The past few months have been hell. Of course, anyone that ever reads this is well aware of that. I'm pleased to announce a few good things.

First, I've taken control of my depression. It's not easy. However, I refuse to let depression win. I can't take meds cause they cause suicidal ideation when there otherwise isn't any. So my anti-depressant has been working out. It's been two weeks of consistent workouts, but I'm finally feeling better. Of course, that's mentally. Physically, I can barely move most days!

The other good thing is that we have FINALLY been able to apply to be reassigned back stateside. With everything that has happened with our son, we and his doctors truly feel that getting away from here will go a long way towards getting him better.

It's been a struggle over the past few months just getting all of the evaluations and then supporting documentation. But we finally have it all and we applied today!!

So now it's a 6-8 week wait to see if/when/where we are going. So by February 6th, 2013 we should have an answer. Then it's just a matter of out processing. There's no guarantee that we will get to leave, but the doctors and the advocates all think that we have a really good case.

So we're one step closer to ending this nightmare! I can't wait. I am SOOOO ready to be back in the States.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Airmen's stockings program, year 2

Wow! This year flew by! It's already that time again where I play Santa and provide our airmen with gifts and stockings. I started this program last year when I found out just how little the base did for our single airmen stationed overseas and living in the dorms.

Last year, I wasn't able to get pictures because their stockings and gifts were put into their rooms while they were at work. This year though, I delivered everything myself. It was a lot of fun and I was able to get pictures of their smiling faces!

I raised a little over $4000 this year from the G+, Twitter and Facebook communities. In addition to that, each airmen received 8 or 9 cards with personalized messages in them! Thank you all so much for your support!

There were airmen here who had received gifts last year that were shocked that I managed to do it again. Specifically, Airmen Chance has asked me to extend his thanks to all of you. Last year, he received a Craftsman tool set. He informed me yesterday that he uses it regularly and that it was an amazing gift. Airmen Clark received an electric guitar last year, and has been teaching himself how to play!

It was such a joy to see the look of surprise on the new airmen's faces when they were told that they had a Christmas present.

I chose to go with embroidered blankets as their gifts this year. Each blanket said "In war there are no unwounded soldiers. RAF Mildenhall 2012". I made sure that they were very good quality blankets. The airmen all seemed to love them and many wrapped themselves up into them, or snuggled with them for a few moments.

There were several exclamations of surprise when the airmen saw that their stockings had also been embroidered with their names on them! They had a blast going through them and seeing all of the goofy little toys that were included. I filled the stockings with candy too. Even managed to get some of the old fashioned candy sticks!

So thank you all for how much you did this year. I've got pictures to show this time!! I'm so excited and grateful that all of you care as much as you do about these airmen. Their smiles definitely warm the heart.

Showing such acts of kindness goes a very long way over here. Last year, you all helped save a life. This year, you made all of these people and so many more smile. I couldn't get pictures of everyone, as some of the guys work mid shift and I am in bed long before that! But I shared some of what I was able to get. Everyone who helped, by donating, writing cards, retweeting, sharing, etc made a difference. So thank you.

I still have cookies and more cards to deliver this weekend. And if any more cards come in, I will be handing them out too. These airmen expected nothing, and were so happy to receive anything at all. ALL of them wanted me to extend their thanks to you guys. So thank you. From them and me. =D

Sunday, December 09, 2012


 There is a sort of stigma attached to people that come from broken homes. Those of us raised by the foster care system get labeled. People assume that we are going to fail before we even start something. I've seen it time and time again throughout my life and it irritates the hell out of me.

No one expected me to succeed in life. When I was 14, I was standing in front of a judge because my biological mother had once again abused me and they were finally terminating her parental rights. I hadn't been in trouble, hadn't done anything wrong. We were there solely based on the abuse that my egg donor continuously put me through. I will never forget the words that the magistrate said to me. Word for word, they ring in my ears. He said "If it was legal to order you to be sterilized, I would. I hope you never have children because you will not be able to break this cycle of abuse". BOOM, set up to fail long before I even thought about having children.

Then, no one expected me to finish high school. With all of the moving around that I did, and all of the constant changing, I wasn't expected to succeed. I ended up getting my GED, but later found out from my school counselor that I had in fact had enough credits to graduate with my class. I didn't know this because my egg donor had found me and abused me again, so I missed the last several weeks of school because I didn't want to show my face with all of the bruises on it. I didn't want to be remembered that way. I had assumed (wrongly) that since I missed my final exams, I wouldn't be eligible to graduate. So technically, I have both a GED and a diploma. Not too bad for a girl that no one expected to make it past 10th grade.

The worst of it though was when I did become a single teenage mother. I had used protection, was in a steady relationship, etc. But when I became a mom, it was assumed that I was going to fail. Everyone in my life believed it. I seemed to be the only one that believed in myself.

I'm not going to lie, it wasn't easy. In fact, it was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. Being solely responsible for the well being of another life isn't an easy undertaking. My son's father was never in his life. I had him terminate his parental rights when my son was born. I wasn't going to tie him down with a child and or child support when I knew full and well going into our relationship that he never wanted children. I have never regretted that decision either.

My son is now 15. He's never been taken away from me, despite my biological mother trying her hardest to have it be so. She is bi-polar and schizophrenic and refuses to take her meds like she should. She's called the cops and social services on me more times than I can count. She's called and made accusations that I was abusing my child, even though her and I have no contact whatsoever. Each time, the allegations were deemed not only unfounded, but preposterous. She was even arrested by the sheriffs office the last time for false allegations against me and falsifying a police report.

I've done the best that I can in my life. I try to be the best mother that I can be to my kids. I am in a healthy, happy marriage. I finished high school, went to college, etc. All in all, I think I'm doing pretty well.

But back to the stigma...

In times like now, when my son was severely bullied and is battling with the depression that comes with it, I am being blamed. It's expected because of the life that I had. I hate that. Even mother's that didn't get pregnant until later in life still have children that struggle with bullying.

I have had people say to me "Well, with YOUR past, it's no wonder he's not adjusting well in school".

People, that hurts. What he is going through now has nothing to do with my past. It has only to do with what those other kids put him through.

I may have come from a broken home, but please stop judging me by my mother's choices. I am not her, I am stronger than her, and I will NEVER treat my children the way that she did.

I am choosing not to fail. I just wish you all would stop labeling me by my past. I didn't do anything wrong then, and I'm not doing anything wrong now.

Labeling people based on things that have happened TO them is cruel. Try judging people based on what THEY have done. On their actions alone, not on the actions of those before them. Because even serial killers can come from a stable home. And not all kids who were raised in good homes turn out right.

Stigma's suck. Please stop it.

Thursday, December 06, 2012

In a world of Sheldon's...

I'm not the slightest bit technological. I don't have a geeky bone in my body. Yet, it seems like everywhere I look, I am surrounded by geeks and nerds.

My twitter feed is full of people posting about themes and operating systems. There's a constant war going on about which OS is the best one, who the best developer or themer is. My G+ is even worse. Between the scientist, the computer nerds,  the gamers, the photographers, etc, it's all geek to me.

I feel like I'm the Penny in a world full of Sheldon's. Somehow, against all odds, I fit into this world. I can't understand half of what is being said. I have little to no interest in HOW physics/computers/gaming systems/cameras work. I just want them to. I know that it takes the genius of others to make these things work the way that they should. But try as I might, I can't stay interested in the inner workings of it long enough to figure it all out.

I got involved in this world because it was important to my husband, and I wanted to spend time with him. I wanted to understand the things that he was interested in. Instead, a different side of his world opened up to me.

I may not understand geek speak. I may not care about ram, roms, etc. But I do care about the people in this strange and foreign world.

Lately, I have found that more and more of the members of that society come to me for relationship advice. They ask me for guidance in making the more social decisions in their lives. They trust their feelings, emotions, thoughts and hearts to me. It's a big responsibility. But it's also a privilege. I love that I can contribute something to a world that baffles me at times.

What I love the most though is how protective these geeks can be. When I'm down, they are there. Trying their hardest to encourage me. They point out all of the good things about me that I don't always see. Seeing myself through their eyes is astounding. When someone hurts me or irritates me... HOLY SHIT! They come running with their light sabers held high and ready to defend me!

I live my life with my emotions. I'm not logical or analytical about anything. I lead with my heart. I do and say things without thinking of the consequences until it's too late. And yet, there is this entire social group out there that points out how important that is. How it's crucial in life to have someone who will always be honest with you. Who thinks outside of the box. Who isn't afraid to feel.

I think that's the biggest thing. So many of the people in this world are too afraid to feel. They only allow themselves to be hurt so many times before they realize that the most logical thing to do is to just stop caring. I can't do that. I get knocked down over and over again and I still put myself out there. I still care about people. I'll do as much or more for a total stranger than I would for my loved ones at times.

So while I may feel like Penny at times, the flaky actress who's lost by most of the conversations happening around me, I know without a doubt that the Sheldon's in my life cherish me. They see something in me that I can't always see in myself. And I know that they contribute quite a bit to my own life too. I don't think I could have gotten through the last few months without them. Logic makes sense sometimes. Even to the Penny's of this world.

Our love story

I met my husband 4 years ago. It was a complete and total fluke. We've got one of those stories where things shouldn't have worked out, but they have. So that's what I'm going to write about today.

Hubby and I met online. His ex-fiancee had introduced him to the site that we met on, and my ex boyfriend/friend had introduced me to it. It wasn't a dating site at all and neither of us were even considering getting involved in another relationship at the time.

But one day, a guy on the forums posted a thread with his phone number and invited others to do so. The idea behind it was that we could send each other encouraging messages, silly messages, or even just tell our secrets to a stranger. Well, hubby posted his number and I posted mine. Which if you know either of us, you know that is completely out of character.

So anyways, I took down a bunch of the numbers. Anyone who had posted theirs, actually. Hubby had only posted a very few things in the forums, so it's not like I knew much about him. He was just one of about 50 numbers that I had taken down that day.

I started texting people and they started texting back. But this one ASSHOLE never ever texted me back. I texted him the same message every time, "Sweet dreams and sweeter awakenings" and he never responded. GRRR

 I was sitting at my friend's house one night after work. My ex had the kids, so we were drinking and being goofballs. I decided that I was going to text him one last time, and if he didn't respond, I was deleting him from my phone. I didn't want to be that crazy chick from the internet that wouldn't leave him alone! 0_O  What do you know, he chooses the night I'm drunk to finally respond. The conversation went like this:

Me: Sweet dreams and sweeter awakenings
Him: I love it when you text me that. No matter how bad my day has been, it always makes me smile.
Me: Really? Cause I always feel like an asshole since you never text me back.

From there, we texted the entire night, until my thumbs were quite literally cramping. Oh, and I had T9 still on my keyboard, so that was even worse. The next day, he took a leap of faith and decided to call me after he got off of work. Well, from then on out, we were inseparable. If we weren't at work, we were on the phone. In one month alone, we ran up 8,800 minutes on the phone with each other!

The third night that we were talking, we were about to hang up when out of no where, I blurted out that I loved him. 0_O YIKES! I freaked out, started apologizing, etc. He told me to shut up. Then he tells me that he thinks he's falling in love with me too.

Exactly one week from the day we started texting, he asked me to marry him. Yep. One week. We were living 1450 miles apart, had never seen each other face to face. We're both laying in our respective beds talking to each other when all of a sudden he blurts out a proposal. I offered to let him take it back, but he meant it. Of course, I said yes.

I don't know what it was about him or me, or the circumstances that made us just go with it. Neither of us would typically do anything even remotely close to this. We don't behave in this manner. But for some reason, it just felt right. We followed our hearts and the rest fell into place.

Exactly 2 months to the day that we started talking, we were married. We only met face to face 10 days before our wedding.

That was almost 4 1/2 years ago.

I think part of what made the both of us so quick to just jump in and leave was the fact that I am a cancer survivor. I overheard him on the phone with his dad a couple of days before we got married. His dad and asked him what the rush was. Hubby told him that I was a cancer survivor and he didn't want to waste a single day without me.

I still remember the day that they told me that the cancer was fully gone. I cried my eyes out. Not because I was happy, but because I was afraid my husband was going to leave me! I had honestly thought that he took the chance and married me because I was probably going to die soon anyways. Imagine my surprise when he stuck around. Hell, he laughed at me when I even suggested that he might leave me over that!

I am slowly learning how to truly live. My husband shows me every day how wonderful life can be. I've spent most of my life being told that I was going to die soon. For the past 4 years, I've been learning to actually think about a future. To have hopes and dreams. To want more out of life than dr's appointments and just surviving. He doesn't let me just settle for breathing. (There have been many days that just having that was a miracle, I didn't dare ask for more)

I'm still amazed that he loves me as much as he does. I'm also amazed at my own capacity for love. I didn't know that I had this much love to give to one person. It's incredible to know that I can trust someone wholly and completely. To know that even in our worst moments, when it seems like the fighting won't end that night, he still loves me. I know without a doubt that divorce is not an option for either of us. We made our vows, we're in this for life.

He is so much more than my other half. He's my best friend, my secret keeper, my healer, my lover, my personal cheerleader, my life coach, my children's father and the most wonderful man I've ever known in my life. If my kids grow up to be half the man that he is, then I will be thrilled.

So that's our love story. We both stepped out of our comfort zones and just let our hearts makes the decisions. I should probably do that more often. My heart's pretty smart. =D