Sunday, May 26, 2013

Random thoughts

Life is a bittersweet walk along a path riddled with thorns.

It's like looking for blackberries. You know that those berries are pure deliciousness. Yet, in order to get to those berries, you have to battle the thorns. The spiny, spiky, painful little asshats that dig into your skin, ripping into your flesh, leaving their lasting mark on you. Any sensible person would leave them alone. They would just go to the grocery store and buy them. Yet some of us, well, we're not quite so sensible. We endure the pain, welcome it, revel in it because we know without a doubt that the sweet juice from those berries is the best in the world. There is nothing else like it. 

That's what life has been like for me. Searching for blackberries through the thorns. 

I tried to talk about my past in my previous post, but a good friend of mine pointed out that I am still holding back. I'm still sugar coating my life for everyone around me. I guess I'm afraid of hurting those that love me. It's one thing to see it on the news. Even then, it still hurts. An innocent child beaten, starved, living in horrific conditions. To live it though? Well..... That's a horror story that even Stephen King wouldn't be able to articulate properly.

Very recently, I visited a dear friend. This is someone that I love, cherish, and value in my life. Unfortunately, I am left revisiting the horrors of my childhood because of that visit. Her home was in a condition that brought back all of those painful memories. Wounds that were just beginning to heal again were ripped open to reveal a raw, festering sore.

So I'm trudging through the blackberry patch again. My heart aches for her children, for her. At one point in her life, she was a good mother. One that I respected. Now, as much as I love her, I can't help but equate her with my own egg donor. It sickens me the type of person that she has become. I'm torn. I know the person that she was. I know the person that she is capable of being. Yet, I see the conditions that her children are living in and I'm mad. I'm furious with her for not loving them more. For not caring about them enough to clean her house.

As much as I once loved her, I am now equally disgusted by her. And by myself. While I spoke up and told her that her house was deplorable, I did nothing more than leave. I haven't ended the friendship. Why not? What keeps me holding on?

I swear, I punish myself sometimes. I could very easily have ended the friendship. Told her that I wanted nothing more to do with someone who would allow their children to live like that. But I didn't.

So I'm trudging through thorns, beating myself up. Why oh why can't I just go to the damned store for my berries like any sane, normal person would do? 

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