Tuesday, April 02, 2013

Gaining perspective

I get so frustrated sometimes. With life, with people, with everything. Then days like today happen. There wasn't anything major. I guess I just took a step back and realized how good I have it right now. Will that stop me from complaining ever again? No. Probably not. But things are definitely a bit more in perspective today than they have been in awhile. 

You see, I'm the girl that was never supposed to go anywhere in life. Everyone had given up on me at an early age. I came from a broken home. Really broken. I was severely abused and as most people know, the cycle is hard to break. 

So I guess since no one else really expected me to do anything with my life, I didn't expect me to either.  How could I, this broken girl, ever make a difference? How would I ever truly be happy? I mean, I was supposed to die. You have no idea how many times I went to the Dr and they told me that I wasn't going to live another year. I was never supposed to be anything good or decent. According to everyone, I was a lost cause. 

I never learned how to dream. I didn't make a lot of plans for the future. There was no reason to. My goals were small, but attainable. I didn't take my first two marriages seriously. I mean, who cared? They were going to leave me just like everyone else in my life had.  And when things went bad, I could walk away knowing that I was right all along. All I wanted out of life was to be able to take care of my kids. That was it. Nothing more. 

I never expected to be loved. To love. To dream. To make a difference in anyone's life. Those things were for people who deserved it. Those things happened to good people. Not to people like me. I never felt worthy of those things. I was a nobody to everybody. 

Today I realized that I've turned out pretty well despite the odds. I know that I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but you know what? I'm ok with that. Yes, it still hurts a bit if someone doesn't like me. I guess it's that rejected little foster kid surfacing on occasion. But I'm learning not to take it to heart as much as I used to. 

I speak my mind. I get hurt if others speak theirs to me. Yes, pot meet kettle. I know. I can dish it out but I can't take it. I'm learning. I'm learning to filter things at times. I'm learning that words can be worse than fists. I'm learning who I am. For years, I've been the person that others wanted me to be, expected me to be, or told me to be. For the first time in my life, I'm finding me. 

I have to thank my husband. You see, he's the first person in my entire life to absolutely love me unconditionally and without judging me. He sees something in me that no one else ever took the time too. 

I'm not perfect. He's not either. But he loves me, flaws and all. He pushes me to dream. To dream big. He wants me to want that big house, the white picket fence, the whole shebang. He pushes me to do whatever it is that I want in life. 

I'm still learning who I am. But for the first time ever, I can honestly say that I am head over heels in love. I can tell you that I am happy. Extremely happy. I'm also lucky. My life is good. I honestly shouldn't be complaining about anything, because in the grand scheme of things, my life is fantastic. I know this. 

So my goal for now is to stop being such a whiny little bitch. I have the best husband a girl could ask for. He encourages me, pushes me to reach for the stars, and when I'm afraid, he's there to hold my hand and walk me through the fear until I am able to stand on my own two feet again. 

Maybe my life is too simple for some. Maybe it's not ideal for everyone. But for me, it's perfect. I really need to learn to focus on the good instead of whining when things seem just a bit rough. Because honestly, I've got absolutely nothing legitimate to complain about.