Tuesday, September 10, 2013

When September Ends...

I have that song, "Wake me up when September ends" stuck in my head right now. I know that the actual song is completely irrelevant to what September means for me. But that one line... Well, in encompasses everything that I am feeling right now.

Today is rough. I still have another 10 days before her birthday. So far, I've been keeping as busy as I could. I've shut down emotionally as much as possible. Still, it's not enough. It's never enough.

Each year, the pain creeps up slowly. The gut wrenching, heart searing pain that slices through my entire being. The harsh reminder of all that was lost. It's been too long. 10 years. You would think that after 10 years, it wouldn't hurt as bad. I wouldn't be sitting here battling to keep the tears from falling.

I think it's worse now than ever before. I've been here 7 months and I don't have any close friends. I have people that I can hang out with, and people that I can talk to socially. What I don't have is exactly what I need right now. That friend that will drop everything to come over and give me a hug because she realizes that it's September, and more than likely I am hurting. The friend that never makes me say it outloud. The friend that just KNOWS.

I've always had that. For the first time in my life, I don't. I don't have a shoulder to cry on. Sure, I can call people, but it's not the same.

I miss my baby girl. I miss feeling her kicking me. I miss the heartburn and the nausea. I miss her 10 perfect fingers and 10 perfect toes. I miss her dark curly hair and her cute little perfectly bowed lips.

I long for everything that I lost with her. All of the birthdays, all of the milestones. The pretty dresses and the hair bows. The skinned knees and the stubbornness. (I'm sure she would be stubborn).

I hate the fact that I lost a life time with her. I was only allowed to be her mother for 32 very short weeks. 10 years later and I still remember every single detail of my pregnancy with her. It's burned into my memory. I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse.

All I know is that it hurts. So please, wake me up when September ends.........