It's been a really long time since I've written anything.
The words just stopped flowing at some point. I was full of anger and hurt. Nothing that I had to write was going to do anyone any good until I could step back and begin to heal again.
I was being hurt by people that I thought were very close friends. It had a horrific affect on me. It triggered trauma responses in me that set me down a really dark road. I didn't even know that I a lot of my personality was a trauma response.
I was in a really dark place for a very long time. I had no self esteem whatsoever. I hated everything about myself. I started restricting my caloric intake down to 500 calories a day because at 145 pounds, I thought that I was huge. I was having nightmares every single night that woke me up screaming. I started self harming. I didn't want to be hospitalized though, so I learned how to find socially acceptable forms of self mutilation. I lashed out, I hurt those around me. I hurt myself.
It was scary. I genuinely wanted to die. Some days, I still do. But not nearly as often. And now, I know how to get through crisis mode.
I'm ok now. Luckily, my husband stood by me through all of it. A few very good friends absolutely refused to leave my side, no matter how awful I was.
I'm hoping that at some point, the words come back. I know that this isn't my usual post, and I will try to post more of the positives soon. But for now, I'm still living life and avoiding the mop.
