Thursday, September 05, 2013

Mixed emotions

Most people who know me know that September is a very difficult month for me. September 19th is the anniversary of my daughters death. Gawds, I hate that word. "Anniversary". It should mean celebrating something happy. But what word do you use? What word fully describes the pain and torture that you feel as each September rolls by and your heart is wrenching over the loss of your beautiful little girl.

My daughter was stillborn at 32 weeks. It was heartbreaking. I've never gotten over it. Ever. You can read about it here.

So this month sucks. Big time. I'm always super emotional.

But this year, it's different too. This year, we have hope. See, we're in the process of trying to adopt a child from the foster care system. Yesterday, we got a phone call that we are able to start our adoption classes on September 21.

This means that we should be ready and approved for adoption by December at the latest. So I'm hopeful. Even once we're approved, it could take awhile for us to be placed. But that's ok. We're one step further into the process. These next 8-10 weeks will be hectic and crazy. I'm ok with that. I need a distraction.

So while I will forever mourn the loss of my beautiful daughter, for this year, for this moment, I have hope. Hope that I can be a good mother to a child that is stuck in the foster care system. Hope that I can bring as much joy to her life as she will bring to mine.

The pain will never go away. It's always there. But now, there's a little tiny spark of light this month. That's more than I could have ever asked for. 

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