Tuesday, December 18, 2012

2012 All wrapped up and ready to end

My wonderful friend, Wendy, made a blog post today here that really got me thinking about this past year. She's one of the most incredible women I know and it got me really pondering how things have really been for me this last year. The good, the bad, and the ugliest of ugly.

This year has been a nightmare in so many ways.

In January, my husband's grandfather passed away. The kids and I were lucky enough to have finally met him the previous November. He was a wonderful man who cherished the time that he had with his family. He accepted me and my children openly and showered us with a love that has not been typical in my life.  My husband has wonderful stories from his childhood and some of his favorite memories revolved around time that he spent with his grandfather. Getting my husband through that time was extremely difficult. We lost a truly incredible man and we will always remember him fondly in our hearts.

My husband was gone quite a bit this year. Compared to many in the military, it wasn't all that much, but for us, it was a lot. He's never been away as much as he was this year and it was a very difficult adjustment for our family to make. For the first half of the year, when he was here, he was still working extremely long hours, so we weren't getting time with him even when he was around. He was also on mid shift for the longest time, which in all honesty, sucked. I handled it the best that I could, but it wasn't easy. I just kept telling myself that I would much rather have him on mids than someone who had little ones in the house. He's finally on a much better shift and I am forever grateful for that.

I've had a lot of issues with friendships this year. I've had people who I thought were wonderful people turn their backs on me when I needed them the most. I had someone do her best to completely ruin my other friendships. I had someone who claimed to be my best friend over here turn her back on me at the drop of a dime. There have been several people that I've fallen out with this year and it's been very very difficult to handle. I'm just glad that I have the friendships that I do now and that those people judge me based only on how I treat them, and not on what others have accused me of.

My son was assaulted. I've posted about that on here previously, so anyone who reads this is already well aware of that situation. We are still dealing with the aftermath of that assault and it sucks. Royally. My son is struggling so much right now because of it and it is affecting the entire family.

My husband's aunt has been ill. So have his cousin and her poor children. Both are incredible women with so much life in them. Knowing that they are sick or hurting is heart wrenching.

There was a lot of bad this year. More than I can put into one post. I've been depressed, my kids have been depressed, the whole nine yards. But there has been a lot of good too. And I need to make sure that I acknowledge that.

Losing Adam's grandfather 14 months after I lost my own grandmother has taught me to cherish family. Considering that I've never really had a family to cherish before, this was a big deal to me. I don't take anyone for granted anymore. I know that I could lose them with a moments notice, so I try my hardest to make sure they know that we love them. Having his aunt and his cousin struggling with their own illnesses has me a bit worried, but I try to make sure that I have more consistent contact with them. Both are wonderful women and I hope to have them in my life for many years to come.

My husband being gone so much showed me just how strong I really am. I know that I am perfectly capable of taking care of my family. I know without a doubt that I am married to him because I want to be, not because I need him. I've been codependent before and it scares the hell out of me. I never want to be that person again, and I know now that I won't be.

Him being gone so much has forced us to really learn how to openly communicate with each other. We talk more now than we ever have before. We've also learned how to fight differently. We are learning how to discuss issues together, rather than just start screaming at each other! We make more of our decisions together, we back each other up with the kids, and we are trying our best to always fight fair. It's not always easy, but we are definitely stronger than ever before. I've always had a good marriage, but now, it's even better. There are no subjects that we can't discuss. Hell, recently, we've even talked openly with each other about some of our previous relationships. That wasn't something either of us was fully comfortable with doing before. A lot of that was my fault, as I was a bit bat shit crazy jealous whenever he talked about his ex. I've come to realize that he chose me. He wanted me. I'm no longer jealous and it's nice to be able to talk openly with him now.

The difficulties that I've had with my friendships have only made my other friendships stronger. I have some truly wonderful people in my life and I am incredibly happy to have them around. I may not have nearly the amount of friends that I once thought I had, but I have the most wonderful friends in the world. I cherish each of them more than I ever did before. We support each other through the good and the bad. None of my friends now would ever tuck tail and run over stupid shit. They are a big part of my success in battling my depression.

I can't say much good about my son being assaulted, but I will try to find something positive in this experience. I know that my son will stand up and do the right thing. I know that he is not likely to give into peer pressure. I know that he is not afraid to face his fears. I know that he will be open and honest with me about his emotions, even if it's difficult for him to do. He showed me an inner strength that I did not know he possessed. He's an incredible young man and I will do my best to make sure that he heals from this horrible experience.

This year may have sucked, but I am going to end it looking at all the good that's come out of these trying times. My husband is truly my best friend. My kids and I are closer than ever. My friends are of the greatest quality now. I expect better from the people in my life and I am not settling for anything less.

It's not always easy being me. But damn it, I've got a great life. Things can only get better from here. 


  1. I truly, seriously do not know how you do it. So many times this year, I've broken down and cried over things.

    No doubt you have done the same thing many, many, many more times than me. Perhaps that cliche "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" applies to 2012. You think?

    Well, I must say you are definitely one of the strongest people I know.

    There is no question in my mind that you could survive ANYTHING this world throws your way.

    I am so grateful to know you, and I will miss you when you return to the U.S. But, at the same time, I will be happy for you. *Hugs*

  2. Your son really is an inspiration. The fact that he stood against the crowd despite all the negativity that would come his way is amazing. He is honest and does what is right, not what is better for him. He's probably been through one of the worst experiences he will ever have in his life and lived through it. That's amazing. In time, I think he will come to realize (though he may already)that if he has the the strength to do that, he has the strength to do anything and be anything he wants. That is something that a parent can't really teach, it's something a person has to learn on their own. The fact that he had to do so so early in life suck, but think or how much more he can accomplish with that inner strength.

    You're awesome. <3 I miss you and I hope you're back here soon. Love to all of you guys!