Sunday, December 09, 2012


 There is a sort of stigma attached to people that come from broken homes. Those of us raised by the foster care system get labeled. People assume that we are going to fail before we even start something. I've seen it time and time again throughout my life and it irritates the hell out of me.

No one expected me to succeed in life. When I was 14, I was standing in front of a judge because my biological mother had once again abused me and they were finally terminating her parental rights. I hadn't been in trouble, hadn't done anything wrong. We were there solely based on the abuse that my egg donor continuously put me through. I will never forget the words that the magistrate said to me. Word for word, they ring in my ears. He said "If it was legal to order you to be sterilized, I would. I hope you never have children because you will not be able to break this cycle of abuse". BOOM, set up to fail long before I even thought about having children.

Then, no one expected me to finish high school. With all of the moving around that I did, and all of the constant changing, I wasn't expected to succeed. I ended up getting my GED, but later found out from my school counselor that I had in fact had enough credits to graduate with my class. I didn't know this because my egg donor had found me and abused me again, so I missed the last several weeks of school because I didn't want to show my face with all of the bruises on it. I didn't want to be remembered that way. I had assumed (wrongly) that since I missed my final exams, I wouldn't be eligible to graduate. So technically, I have both a GED and a diploma. Not too bad for a girl that no one expected to make it past 10th grade.

The worst of it though was when I did become a single teenage mother. I had used protection, was in a steady relationship, etc. But when I became a mom, it was assumed that I was going to fail. Everyone in my life believed it. I seemed to be the only one that believed in myself.

I'm not going to lie, it wasn't easy. In fact, it was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. Being solely responsible for the well being of another life isn't an easy undertaking. My son's father was never in his life. I had him terminate his parental rights when my son was born. I wasn't going to tie him down with a child and or child support when I knew full and well going into our relationship that he never wanted children. I have never regretted that decision either.

My son is now 15. He's never been taken away from me, despite my biological mother trying her hardest to have it be so. She is bi-polar and schizophrenic and refuses to take her meds like she should. She's called the cops and social services on me more times than I can count. She's called and made accusations that I was abusing my child, even though her and I have no contact whatsoever. Each time, the allegations were deemed not only unfounded, but preposterous. She was even arrested by the sheriffs office the last time for false allegations against me and falsifying a police report.

I've done the best that I can in my life. I try to be the best mother that I can be to my kids. I am in a healthy, happy marriage. I finished high school, went to college, etc. All in all, I think I'm doing pretty well.

But back to the stigma...

In times like now, when my son was severely bullied and is battling with the depression that comes with it, I am being blamed. It's expected because of the life that I had. I hate that. Even mother's that didn't get pregnant until later in life still have children that struggle with bullying.

I have had people say to me "Well, with YOUR past, it's no wonder he's not adjusting well in school".

People, that hurts. What he is going through now has nothing to do with my past. It has only to do with what those other kids put him through.

I may have come from a broken home, but please stop judging me by my mother's choices. I am not her, I am stronger than her, and I will NEVER treat my children the way that she did.

I am choosing not to fail. I just wish you all would stop labeling me by my past. I didn't do anything wrong then, and I'm not doing anything wrong now.

Labeling people based on things that have happened TO them is cruel. Try judging people based on what THEY have done. On their actions alone, not on the actions of those before them. Because even serial killers can come from a stable home. And not all kids who were raised in good homes turn out right.

Stigma's suck. Please stop it.


  1. After a certain age, parenting has only the smallest effect of someones decisions in life. I was adopted. I remember nothing of my biological family. My parents were great. Sure there were some hiccups, but no one is perfect. I never went without. Still I dropped out of high school. t wasn't their fault. That was my decision.

    And let me get this straight too. I didn't drop out because I was a bad kid. Half the reason I never even mention that part of my history is because people automatically assume that i was a drug addict, in the wrong crowd, and not a good student. I was a straight A student. The system failed to protect me and made me miserable, so I left. I got my GED as well and went on to get my degree in college, yet still people look at me like I'm contagious if I mention I dropped out of high school.

    Some people do the same when I mention my son is autistic. Did he have his shots too early? Did I do something when I was pregnant? Was I too detached from him as a baby? Because obviously it is somehow my fault. Yes, even today with all the research and education out there, I get those looks.

    People are judgmental. I tend to keep those people to the curb.


    Sorry to scream at you, but with YOUR past it's no wonder HE'S not adjusting well??? Please point me to the people spewing this bullshit, so I can tell them a thing or two.

    I was bullied in school and it had NOTHING to do with my father and how he raised me, nor anything to do with me "not adjusting well".

    The kids picked on me, because kids can be cruel. They picked on me, because I tried to be nice to *everyone*. They picked on me, because they thought it was weird that I liked writing fantasy stories.

    Now I'm under contract to write those stories. Paid to write those stories.

    I was picked on just for being different.

    Now I'm succeeding because I'm different.

    What happened to your son was because those kids are cruel - NOT because he couldn't adjust. Oh, gosh, I guess NOT being a mindless sheep and NOT going with "the crowd" (particularly when said crowd is involved in illegal activities) is just an invitation to say "There's something wrong with me. Pick on me! Pick on me!"

    HELL NO!

    Sorry to ramble, but this TRULY outrages me. That anyone would say that ENRAGES me.

    Your son had the COURAGE and guts to not be a mindless lemur, to not be a part of something illegal and unethical.

    And who taught him to think for himself and stand up for his convictions?

    Not his father. Not your egg-donor. Not some magistrate stereotyping foster kids.


    So that's what you have to live with: the fact that you raised a young MAN who can think independently, and do what's right.

    Dear gods, I hope my son turns out half as well as yours!


  3. It's funny how you find people on the interwebs that you gravitate to and you don't know why. They can be on the other side of the world, yet you find them.

    My mother always made me feel stupid, neglected me, and almost hated me. I always felt like she was ashamed of me for some reason. My dad was an alcoholic who died when I was 11. I found out when I was 34 that he wasn't really my father.

    So many brutal things happened in my childhood I many people thought I'd never become anything. I actually had a few teachers even verbalize it to me.

    I'm the only person in my family to graduate from college. I'm the only person to not have a felony. I'm the only person to not have addiction in their past. No one in my blood line has ever worked for a person that would become the President of the United States. No one in my family has done anything like that. They've certainly never taken this picture, from this location:

    My point is? That stigma is only as powerful as you let it be. Your son was bullied because of another child and their problems, not yours. Any blame they're trying to assign is because you're the easy available target. But it's complete crap. You and I both have defied the odds and our past for the betterment of our children. They may not be perfect, but they are better prepared for the world than we were and they know something that I didn't know. That they are loved and valued and that I (and in your case, you) will always have their back.

    *hugs* You're a good mother, a good friend, and great person. Keep on kicking the world's ass.