Monday, December 03, 2012
Thankful for the good ones
When you're spiraling the way that I am, and you're struggling with everything, you don't know what's real and what's not. You don't know if you're just imagining that people are being horrible, or if they actually are. That can be confusing. It can also be extremely frustrating, not only for the person battling depression, but for all of those around them.
After my last post, I had some amazing people reach out to me. Two of them I already knew were there, but one person in particular surprised me a bit. I've always liked this woman, but our lives are vastly different, so we don't really get together much. She's a sweetheart though and took time out of her day to really check in on me and to reach out. She had no reason to really do so, other than she cares. So thank you Vanessa O for texting back and forth with me. Such a small act made a huge impact and I really appreciate it. For that one moment in time, I didn't feel so alone. I just want you to know that it really did make a difference for me.
It's been really difficult for me lately. Reaching out has been both good and bad. I've had 3 people who have been absolute rocks throughout all of this. Amber, Wendy and Holli. These 3 girls keep in regular contact with me, make absolute sure I'm ok, and let me know that some of what I'm feeling is completely valid.
They don't tell me to get over it, they don't tell me that I'm pathetic for feeling the way that I do. And most of all, they are constantly there. Even if they are sick of hearing all of my whining, bitching and complaining, they have NEVER let on about it. Instead, they continue to reach out to me. To validate my emotions. To tell me that yes, living this life would be depressing to just about anyone. They send me virtual hugs, make me laugh, and have no hesitations about calling out the dependasaurases in my life.
They encourage me. They show me all of the ways that I am awesome. They stand up for me. I don't expect them to go around telling people off for me. That would be unnecessary drama. However, they tell ME how they feel. They post their support on my blog for the world to see. As weird as it sounds, that shows me that they are not ashamed of me. They aren't ashamed of my friendship. They value it and are ready to show the world just how much they care.
Because of them, and because of my wonderful husband and children, I managed to make it through this weekend without yelling. Without crying. In fact, I even laughed a couple of times. Little moments, where I can simply smile or chuckle a bit, are massive accomplishments in the fight with depression.
So to those 4 women, Vanessa, Amber, Wendy and Holli, thank you. Thank you for caring enough to threaten to call the cops if I don't talk it out. Thank you for standing up for me. Thank you for checking in on me. Thank you for never making me feel like a burden, even if it's the same shit different day for me yet again.
Because of people like you, I WILL get through all of this. I will manage to survive my time over here, I will win this battle. I am so grateful to have you guys in my life. You are wonderful people with huge hearts. Your love, caring, sarcasm, wit and charm will see me through until we can get out of here.
I also need to mention Anissa. She doesn't dwell on my depression. Instead, when we do get to talk, it's because she's telling me funny shit that happened in her day, or being witty, crass, etc. She's been my rock for nearly 4 years now.
As for here, there have been 4 girls right here in my life that I tend to lean on a bit too much. Alex, Vanessa A, Keara and Megan. I know I've been a bit quiet lately, and that I've backed off a bit from you guys. It's not because I have any issues with any of you. It's just because I've leaned on you all so much, I am trying to give you some space. I don't want to bring any of you down. I know you all have your own lives to live. But I do need to acknowledge how grateful I am for being there. For listening to my endless bitching and complaining. For including me in just the right amount of things. For not expecting a whole lot out of me right now. I know I've generalized a lot in some of my previous social networking posts about hating the people here. I didn't realize how that could come across to the four of you, and I am sorry for that. I do know how much you've been there. I'm just sorry that I can't be there more for you all right now.
So yeah. Today is a decent day. I'm looking out and seeing just how many people do care. It's not easy when you're as emotionally fucked up as I am right now. But for today, while I am clear enough in the head and in the heart to acknowledge the good people in my life, I felt that I needed to. Because I can't always tell them how much I appreciate them. I can't usually express what their friendship means to me. But with all the bullshit they've all dealt with from me lately, the deserve to at least know that I do notice. That I do see how much they care.
Depression sucks. But I will get through it. I've got some pretty incredible people in my life, and I'm going to try really hard to focus on that. Instead of focusing on the negative. I know I won't be able to do that every single day. Sometimes the negative starts drowning me. But today I can. And hopefully tomorrow to. I had a pretty good weekend. Now, I'm aiming to have a pretty good week.
Thanks to you all who have been there. I'm just sorry that in my manic state, I couldn't acknowledge it before. If I'm leaning on you too much, please don't hesitate to tell me. I won't take it as you not wanting to be friends. I just know that I tend to lean on the same people over and over again and it can get to be a bit much for everyone.
Hugs and love. I appreciate you all more than you'll ever know.
*** Gawd damn it and beavers and shit! I forgot the other Meghan. Thanks Meghan E. Hugs and love to you!