Tuesday, November 20, 2012

It's too much for one person/family

I'm exhausted. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally.

I know that I'll get through everything that is going on, but to help me heal, I need to write.

This base really gets to me. Not only is the weather depressing, but so are the people. I'm not used to being treated so horribly. I've never dealt with so many back stabbing, conniving, manipulative people.

And in all honesty, I've never felt so alone.

In less than two years time, my family has gone from a happy healthy one, to one ridden with depression. My kids are absolutely miserable, as am I. The only thing we really have to hold on to is each other. That's a huge burden for everyone to bear.

We're so used to being happy, independent, self sufficient people. All of us. We've all always had our own hobbies, our own friendships, etc. My husband and I have never been that couple that absolutely must do everything together. We've maintained our individuality. For us, that's kept us strong. We come together and share our lives, without immersing ourselves so far into each other that you can't tell where one begins and the other ends. We've never wanted to be the couple that got divorced after the kids were out of the house because we suddenly realized that we had put nothing into our own relationship. So we maintained our lives where we needed to, and merged the parts that we should. It's always worked so well.

And yet now, I find myself feeling like I have to lean on him more and more. For emotional and mental support. I have very little interest in life outside of my family anymore. It's not that I don't want to. It's that I don't know how to deal with so many outright cruel people.

People here go out of their way to hurt you. They do everything they can to make you as miserable as possible. I'm not the only one experiencing it either. Typically happy, laid back women are turning into a nervous wreck over here. We all walk on eggshells because you never know when something you say will be misquoted and then used against you. You never know when one seemingly innocent comment will end your friendships.

I don't know how to live like this. Never knowing who is truly your friend, not knowing who to trust, if anyone. It's scary. It's hurtful. It's depressing.

I want to go back to that woman that I once was. I'm so tired. Tired of being scared, tired of being lonely, tired of putting so much on my husband because I just can't face anyone or anything any more. He deserves so much better. He deserves the woman that he married. I'm trying so hard to be that woman, but I don't know how to here.

I've tried to just walk away from all of the toxicity. It's not that easy. When you're isolated and alone, and most of your friends live in your computer, things go wrong. It gets lonely. Really really lonely.

I need out of here. I need to find myself again. I need my light back.

I'm exhausted. Even the light at the end of the tunnel feels like it's been extinguished.

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