Wednesday, October 10, 2012


Things in the past month have been absolutely insane for my family. I need to vent. I need to get it all out before I go absolutely insane. So please bear with me. If you're going to be a dick and troll, please know that right now, it could very well tip me over the edge. So please think twice before you act like a complete moron. Today is not the day.

I struggled with the decision to send my children back to public school. Since we have moved here, it's been a complete nightmare. Last year, the administration bullied my oldest son to the point that the assistant principal was relocated to another country. I pulled them out to homeschool for the year and they seemed to have done better.

But this is high school. That should be different, right? He should be ok there. That's when we all go into our own groups, we find ourselves, we make friendships that can last a lifetime. Or so I thought.

The first week of school, my son was with a group of kids as they were all returning from lunch. He only knew one of the kids in that group. The group started talking about how they were not only doing drugs, but selling drugs at school. My son said that he had to leave. (He wanted no part of it). The kids started threatening him. His so called friend was the worst. He threatened to decapitate him, then went on to describe how he would dispose of his remains. (The kid is an idiot and totally would have been caught). Anyways, my son reported the threats. In reporting the threats though, he had to report WHY he was being threatened. He did the absolute right thing, and I am proud of him for that.

However, his "friend" was in the worst trouble for the intensity of his threats and was supposed to be suspended for 3 days. Instead, he cut a deal with the principal and turned on about 20 other students who are also using and or dealing  drugs at the school.

The second week of school, on a Thursday, my son was assaulted by one of the kids that his "friend" had rolled on. Brutally assaulted. I've seen the video and it was horrible. The kid hit him in the face with a shoe. My son wears braces, so left his mouth a bit tore up. He then proceeded to push my son to the ground and kick him as hard as he could, over and over and over again.

We ended up in the emergency room, the police were called, the kid was charged with "Actual Bodily Harm" which is the equivalent of assault and battery in the States.

My son went back to school the very next day, against my better judgement. I understand why he did it. He wanted to show that he was ok. He wanted to face everyone. He didn't want to be a pussy.

His father deployed the following Monday.

Since then, my son has been violently terrorized. Kids have come up to him throwing bottles of pills in his face, telling him to go kill himself. They are taunting him, saying that his favorite food is shoe leather, telling him that they are going to beat his ass, stomp his spine and paralyze him. They've offered to get him a gun so that he can shoot himself, they have given him instructions on how to properly slit his wrists.

He then ran into his attacker and ended up having everything surface again. Luckily, nothing happened that day physically. But what it did to my son emotionally is something we will have to deal with in the long, slow process that it will take to get him better.

My son reported the incidents to the school. They told him to toughen up and to learn social skills and he wouldn't have the issues that he does. They blamed him for what the other kids were doing.

In the midst of all of this, I wound up getting pneumonia, needing iv antibiotics, needing a blood transfusion because my iron was so low, and worrying sick because my husband had been forward moved to another location. (The entire house was in turmoil due to all of this)

So last week, my son finally broke down and told me that he would "rather be skinned alive, dipped in salt, roasted on a pit and eaten by cannibals than to face another day in this world.

We ended up in the emergency room for a psych eval. The psychiatrist and I listened as my son told us of the horrors he had been through. The thoughts that were running through his head. I called my husbands command before heading to the ER and his supervisor also heard these things.

They had my husband back in country within 12 hours. We were told that under no circumstances was my child to go back to that school. They said that sending him there could cause him to hang himself in the locker room, just to give the kids the satisfaction of knowing that they had won.

So now, we're in limbo. My son needs psychiatric help. He needs to know that he's not alone in this. But I can't get him in for an appointment until the 29th. What the hell am I supposed to do in the meantime?

I pulled him out of school and the principal sat there telling me that by doing so, I was allowing my son to run away from his problems. He said that he needed to face them. We won't go into the details of how I handled that one, but needless to say, the principal is no longer vocalizing THAT stupid ass opinion.

In the midst of all of this, I'm dealing with my own depression. I feel like I have failed my child. I never should have put him into that fucked up school. I should have seen the signs sooner. I should have noticed something, done something, fought harder, loved him more. He wouldn't be in that position, he wouldn't feel the way that he does if I was a better mother to him.

I've been fighting with the stupid fucked up shit that people say in this situation. I've been told that I am a horrible mother for letting him get to that point. I've been told that God doesn't trust me with kids which is why he took my daughter from me. I've been told to move back to the States, take my kids away from their father, because THAT is what is supposedly best for my children.

I'm so tired. I'm depressed, anxious, overwhelmed. But I have to be strong. I have to be strong so that my child BELIEVES that life will get better.

I'm not suicidal, but fucking A. I just want to sleep until all of this is over. I don't want to face it. I don't want to deal with another stupid fucking person giving advice to me and my child. I want everything and everyone to go away, and yet I need support right now. It's conflicting, I know. Trust me, my own inner turmoil is confusing me enough.

So I'll be strong. Because strong is the only choice that I have right now. But I don't want to be. I want to hide out from the world. I want to lay in bed all day and cry. I don't want to shower, I don't want to get dressed, I don't want to cook or clean or read a book. I really don't even want to be sharing this with all of you. But this is the place that I go to vent my emotions, so that is what I'm doing.

I'm reaching out. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but I know logically that I can't do this alone. I just can't.

I can't think of how to end this. For my family, it's just the beginning of a long and treacherous road that we are traveling on. I feel like we're heading for a cliff at a 100 miles an hour. I just hope the brakes work.


  1. VENT, woman, VENT!

    Yes, your son totally did the right thing, and you ought to be proud of him. He made a principled stand.

    The school said your son needs to toughen up? FUCK THEM. Sorry, but as a homeschooling mom, I think the whole "Kids need to deal with bullies" mentality is bullshit. Yes, we need to learn how to deal with asshats, but that's a high school: not a prison yard, for fuck's sake.

    You are such a smart woman for truly listening to your son, and seeking help for him. So many parents blow off a child's "I want to die" as a phase. You did the right thing.

    In the midst of all the other shit that's come your way - your hubby deploying and you getting so sick - I don't know how you've managed to deal with all of this.

    But you've done everything right. Your son did everything right. Your husband's command did everything right, thank goodness.

    I hope that principal got reprimanded but good. Fired would be even better. Facing problems is ONE thing. Facing violent criminals, bullies and sadists is another.

    What to do now until the 29th? I realize, like me, you are more spiritual than religious, but perhaps weekly visits with the chaplain could help. I'm trained in counseling, and most of the chaplains should be too. They can listen and offer help, without it having to be all about "God" and such.

    Also, Family Advocacy, I think, or the Youth Center, often has someone available too. I cannot remember their exact title, but there's a counselor who does 3-month rotations at different bases, and specializes in kids and families.

    You didn't fail, but your guilt is totally natural. It's part of a mourning process. I think we parents go through little mourning processes every time something like this happens, even when we know we did the right thing.

    I don't know who is telling you this shit - that you fucked up, that God took away your daughter because you don't deserve children, that you should leave, etc. But they are asshats.

    Let me say that when I decided to get a divorce, it was the hardest choice I ever made, because all I could think about was my son. It's been almost 2 years and the guilt is STILL there. Even though I know he's seeing, instead of his mom and dad together, each of us married to people we REALLY love now, it's still hard.

    We are harder on ourselves than anyone else could be, and having outside people give you those opinions? That's not what friends would say, *especially* that remark about your daughter!!!

    My advice? Don't listen to anyone else's advice.

    Instead, listen to yourself - your own intuition, your own instincts. YOU know what you must do to get through this. YOU know what your son needs. YOU are capable of giving yourself and your family a clean slate and, no, you don't need to go back to the U.S. to do that.

    YOU know what to do. Trust yourself.

  2. Totally what Wendy said! I am soo sorry that you and your family are going through all of this! I'm not very good with words, but just know that my thoughts are with you and I sincerely hope that things get better. I have a 13 year old daughter, and I can't imagine what I'd do in your situation. Hugs!!

  3. I'm a kid myself who has been bullied a lot in my school days, and I'm not trolling but get your son to listen to Music, preferably rapper who rap about guys being bullied like Eminem, if you find this irritating just ignore it, but this saved me so I thought this might help another guy like me.

    1. It's not irritating at all. So many kids have been bullied. He has definitely found a way to lose himself in his music. Thank you for the advice.

  4. I too agree with the comment above me music can heal what medication and advices cannot . And yes raps can be the best friend . But your son and you of course have earned a great deal of respect from me woman . I salute your son for the endurance he has and the courage he has shown.