Shit happens. You can either choose to allow the shit to define you, or you can choose how you want to be defined.
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
A dev/enthusiasts guide to living with a woman
Ok guys. It’s payback time. You didn’t honestly expect me to give your women a guide on how to live with you without pointing out some of your flaws too, did you? Aww, you did? Well, too bad.
Alright men, we do what we can to support you. We listen to you drone on and on about your damned phones. We plan our monthly budgets to include all these new toys that you think you absolutely have to have RIGHT NOW. We cook for you, we wash your nasty ass clothes, we scrub your toilets, and yes, here it comes, we suck your cocks. But what does that get us? Not your appreciation, not diamonds, hell, not even flowers most of the time. We get taken for granted. Or at least, that’s how it feels sometimes. So here’s the deal. If you want your women to follow the guide that I put out for them, then you need to start doing a few things too.
1. Every 20 minutes, walk away from your computer and acknowledge her. Whether you give her a kiss, ask about her day, go smoke with her, etc. And no, asking her to make you a sammich does not count as acknowledgement. There have been studies that have shown that you will actually be MORE productive if you get up every twenty minutes and focus for 5 minutes on something else.
2. Pick your “nights out” just like you would if you were actually going out. If you’re staying up all night on the computer and she’s not getting her time with you, then you’re kind of being a jerk. So you and her need to agree on a reasonable time for you to get off the computer each night. Something that leaves time for you to spend together. Decide when it’s important to stay up late hanging with the community. If she were to go to the clubs every night of the week, you’d be upset. Maybe you’re still in the house, but you are still as unattainable as if you were out clubbing too.
3. When she takes the time to cook you a meal, or even make you a sammich, have the decency to sit down and enjoy it. Don’t sit there and inhale it at your computer. Go to the table, the couch, where ever you would eat if you didn’t have a computer. (Scary thought, I know) Whatever you’re in the process of doing will still be there after you eat.
4. While I do think that women need to be giving proper blow jobs, you guys have to do some work too. If we are trying to make love, fuck, screw, get it on, whatever you want to call it, do not, I repeat, DO NOT geek speak to us. Unless we ask you too. You have got to leave the coding at the computer.
5. Also, for the love of bacon, manscape. There is nothing worse than going down on a guy who can’t be bothered to keep it trimmed. How would you like it if we had a huge bush that we didn’t take care of? You wouldn’t. So please return the favor and clean it up.
6. We appreciate the little things in life. We really do. Stop and get us flowers on occasion. Buy us our favorite candy, or hell, our favorite bottle of liquor. Take one of those post its off of your desk, write something sweet on it, and put it somewhere that we will see it. We NEED to know that we are important enough to be noticed. And the little things mean the most.
7. With all of that technology at your fingertips, you absolutely will not be excused from remembering important dates or events. So make sure you get it all inputed into your device, set a reminder for it and then do it. Acknowledge it. Cause the whole “Oh shit, I forgot” line isn’t going to fly anymore.
8. Oh, back to the bedroom for a minute. We are not keyboards. You can’t push a few buttons and think it’s going to provide you with positive feedback. So take your damned time and get us off. If you don’t know what the hell you’re doing, then take the Android ranters advice and fucking research it. Learn what the hell you’re doing before you start fucking with your device. If you want any chance of rooting us without getting a brick upside your head, then do it right. There’s nothing worse than making a grocery list during sex. But we might as well at times, with as much effort as you’re providing. (Mine excluded, he’s been properly trained).
9. Learn to have a conversation that doesn’t revolve around root. Yes, we may be proud of you, yes we may support you in what you’re doing, but if you’re going to talk root all damned day, then you had better be prepared to listen to us talk about who’s relationship is falling apart, who’s cheating on who, who’s kid is a rotten little shit, who had the audacity to go to Target in her grubby sweats, who’s fatter than we are, etc. We’re catty as fuck. So if you don’t want to hear about our shit non stop, all fucking day, then broaden your conversational topics just a bit, or we are going to start setting egg timers to tell you when to shut the fuck up about your phone/tablet/etc.
10. Get off your asses and out of the house at least one day a week. Required things out of the house don’t count either. You are probably not actually allergic to the sun. Fresh air will not kill you. Either do something with us, or do something with your other friends, but for crying out loud, go outside.
11. Last but not least, your faith in your own abilities is astounding at times. But, please please talk to her before you root your devices. Remember, how much you spend on your toys affects her too. If you royally fuck it up, if you manage to brick it, she is going to be out some money too. Letting you guys have your toys is expensive. So cut us some slack if we are a little freaked out at first about you voiding your warranty. As your abilities grow and develop, so will our ability to be ok with you rooting, without the panic attacks that we are sure to have in the beginning.
There’s a lot for you guys to learn too. We want to be supportive, we want to be there for you, but you make it really fucking difficult at times. Follow this simple guide and you might just find things working out for both sides a hell of a lot better than they were. It’s not going to be easy. You’re going to have to show her that she is just as/more important to you as your phone. Hard concept to grasp, but you can do it. I have faith in you.