Tuesday, July 05, 2011

A woman's guide to living with a Dev enthusiast

During the past few years I’ve noticed a serious lack of women supporting their men. These same women are the ones whining and complaining that their men don’t support them. So here’s the skinny on how to live with your Android junkie. You’d be wise to heed my advice, cause I’m awesome, you’re not, and that’s why I was asked to write this. I will break it down into step by step instructions for you. You need to do each of these in their entirety. He doesn’t want you to pick and choose, he’s having you read this cause this is what he expects/needs from you.
1. Stop nagging him. You can’t ask him to do something while he is involved with the community. Whether he is devving, theming, flashing, or just bullshitting with other enthusiasts, you can’t expect anything that you say to him to actually be heard. It’s an- in -one ear- and- out- the- other thing. So talk to him when he’s away from his computer/phone. Tell him that you need a few minutes of his time for him to focus solely on you. The guys are hyper focused and unless you make it clear that you need their undivided attention, you won’t get it.
2. Make what you say count for something. You’re interrupting something that is important to him. Just because you don’t understand what he’s doing doesn’t mean it’s a waste of time.  So don’t spend those precious focused moments on something that he could care two shits about.
3. Take some time out of your day to really listen to him. Yes, he’s droning on and on about his phone and you’re bored with hearing about it. But when was the last time you actually HEARD anything that he said to you when he was talking? I think you’ll be surprised to find that you are tuning him out as often as he tunes you out. Start showing your support. If he completes a task that was daunting to him, congratulate him. Make a big deal out of it. It’s important to him, make him know that you are supportive of him and proud of his accomplishments.
4. If you really want to make him focus on you, or notice you, take part in what he’s doing. Learn something about Android. Anything at all. Taking the plunge to learn about what he’s doing will be beneficial to your relationship. You learn something new and he respects the fact that you care about him enough to get involved. But don’t, and I repeat DON’T ask him to teach you. This leads to frustrations on both parts. Take the initiative and learn something on your own. And then talk to him about it.
5. Shave your damned legs. Regularly. Do you honestly think that he doesn’t notice you? Well, he does. Get out of your damned pajamas every single day. Shave. Trim where needed. Keep your shit nice and pretty. He might seem geeky to you, but he can still appreciate a sexy woman. Be that woman, not a damned grizzly bear.
6. Learn that bacon IS in fact a food group. Now, does everything that you cook  HAVE to have bacon? No, but you really do need to cook for him. Make him take the time away from the phone or computer to eat with you. Even if all you do is watch DVR’d episodes of Dr. Who or Ghost Hunters while you’re eating. The point is to associate good feelings (food, shows he likes, etc) with you. If you can’t cook, then go here. http://birdsgrub.wordpress.com (yep, shameless plug) The recipes are proven to satisfy even the pickiest dev/enthusiast.
7. Blow jobs are a part of your job description. I don’t care if you don’t like it. Learn to like it. Make yourself love it to the point that you fantasize about having his cock in your mouth. And just sucking his dick isn’t enough. Woman up and swallow it. He can get back to the computer much quicker if there isn’t a mess to clean up afterwards. When he’s at his computer, push his chair out just enough for you to get on your knees in front of him and suck him off, swallow, get up and walk away. He will appreciate it and you will reap the benefits later. (Stop bitching about it. It’s not nasty, it’s an essential part of any good relationship)
8. Stop asking him to do shit around the house. That’s your job. A woman’s place is in the kitchen and you would being doing both of you a favor if you remembered that. You need to maintain the house, inside and out. Yes, that means that you get off your ass and mow the damned lawn too. He has enough to do supporting your ass, it’s up to you to do the rest. (Now if you work, you get a small pass. He can take out the trash for you, but that’s it)
9. Offer yourself to him. If he’s locked in his office and you can’t get his attention, the best way to do it is NOTto disconnect the modem. That’s going to piss him off royally and make life a living hell for you. Instead, get on your own computer and request a video chat. Now, in order for this to work, you need to make it worth him looking at. So yes, put on a kinky little negligee, or a little tank top and boy shorts, whatever HE likes. Then get on your computer and show him what he’s missing by being locked away.
10. If you’re not going to do any of this, or if you don’t do ALL of it, then STFU. I’m tired of you girls whining but not putting in any effort at all to please your man. He is who he is. And you fell in love with him just like that. You can’t get pissed now if he refuses to change. But what you can do and should do is change your own attitude about his choices.
Now this is just a starter guide. There’s a lot more that you could do for your man that you probably aren’t bothering to do right now. But I’m pretty sure that I’ve managed to appall most of the women already. I don’t really care. Cause had they been doing this shit from the beginning, their guys wouldn’t be requesting a truly supportive Android wife to write this out for them.
Guys, feel free to print this out in it’s entirety and present it to your woman. But be prepared to get hit upside the head with it when/if she reads it. Personally, I would think a smack to the head would be well worth it if any of this actually stuck with her. Here’s hoping all my favorite enthusiasts find a happy ending. ;-P

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